Hi Ya (as the great Munch once said). Well it’s Friday25th April 2008. And this entry is all about Friendship judgements and something called ‘The bitch chart’. Well four years ago I came to the conclusion that I was extremely shit at judging people correctly and I was sick of putting my trust in people and getting burned. So in June 2004 I devised away of evaluating and judging all of the people in my life in order to show myself whom I should trust and which people are good for me. So this is how I judged them…I created a chart with 6 categories that were sometimes different from week to week. They were mainly. (Personality, Kindness, Mutual Respect, Closeness, Trust, Genuine, Likeability and M8 4 future).I would pick 6 out of them each week I did the chart and I would mark each individual out of 20 for each of the 6 categories and the one who had the biggest total out of 120 (which is the total for 6 six categories worth the max of 20 points each). By the end of it I had done 38 charts and one winners chart (the winners chart was of all the previous winners in the 38 charts and the point of it was to distinguish out of all the winners who was the best person for me to be around and be friends with). Here are the winners of each chart…I finally finished doing the charts on Thursday 27th March 2008. My journal was full of attempts to find the best person in my life. It’s also my life’s quest.
Series One
Chart 1:Mustafa
Cart 2: Mustafa
Chart 3:Sonah
Chart 4:James
Chart 5:Sabrina
Chart 6:Qudsia
Chart 7:Qudsia
Chart 8:Sabrina
Chart 9:Kamran
Chart 10:Qudsia
Chart 11:Neelam
Chart 12:Neelam
Chart 13:Sabrina
Chart 14:Sabrina
Chart 15:Neelam
Chart 16:Kamran
Chart 17:Neelam
Chart 18:Neelam
Chart 19:Qudsia
Chart 20:Neelam
So these were the secondary school years and as you can see there was a range of differnt winners. The winner of the first 2 charts was mustafa who was like the best male friend i have ever had i mean he was brilliant. Sabrina, Qudsia and Neelam also won alot in the first series. Neelam is just my female double i love her so much and i think if it wasant for the cultural differences our friendship would have been the strongest relationship i would have ever had. Also Savrian was one of those people you could talk to about anything and she would keep it secret thats how great she is i love her so much. Qudsia was this nutty, crazy and looney girl who made me laugh so much untill my stomach hurt.
Series 2
Chart 21:Ms McKenzie
Chart 22:Ms Ramsey
Chart 23:Neelam
Chart 24:Neelam
Chart 25:Neelam
Chart 26:Jumarah
As you can see in the second series which was my Gcse years that Neelam again was very succseful and won 3 out of 6 charts. She was just perfect we were so alike and she had the most adventurous mind and her writing was fucking brilliant.There were only 6 charts each series after series one as it was alot to do on top of GCSE's and stuff. Also series 2 was when the first ever teachers won. Ms Ramsey i had sort of a connection and understanding with she was brillinat. And Ms McKenzie i fell for not in a romantic way but just the fact that she helped me pass my Gcse in English i no he did. The final winner of series 2 was Jumarah now her life was so tragic and the final year of school we got so close it was ubnbelieveable. She was just such a great person.
Series 3
Chart 27:Reba
Chart 28:Famida
Chart 29:Famida
Chart 30:Basra
Chart 31:Famida
Chart 32:Mom
Series 3 now this was the college years (which i hated but i still did the Bitch Charts) Me and Famida who won like 3 out of the 6 charts bonded so much we spoke on the phone for hours on end we told each other embaressing secrets and i just loved her so much. Basra the fourth winner of this series is my life long best friend who i have known since the begining of secondary school the thing is we are so close and so alike that we argued so much and our arguments were fucking terrible. But now we are so fine we are grown up friends i love her. The first winner of this series Reba i dont no really we werent close but she did something one week and she just topped the chart.Also my Mom was the first family member to win a Bitch Chart, and i love my mom one billion percent we argue but most people do with there parents.
Series 4
Chart 33: Denise
Chart 34: Leanne
Chart 35: Leanne
Chart 36: Leanne
Chart 37: Leanne
Chart 38: LeanneIn this final Series I was a lot more serious as my emotions have matured and I look at people differently compared to how I looked at them in 2004 when I first started the chart. Leanne is my most recent friend but I just think she is the greatest she's genuine, hilarious and just a beautiful person. In this final series there were four main women that nearly hit the top spot apart from Leanne. Basra, Nan, Mom and Denise. As they were the people i felt most happiest around. There were others that were close to the top spot but didnt quite make it. Leanne won 5 out of 6 charts but it was sometimes half a point difference. For example one week leeane got 112 and a half and Basra got 112. So it could of been so easy for Leanne to have been nocked poff when i did the totals but she hung in there.Winners Chart(The winners chart was different as there were 12 categories so the total was 240)Chart 39: LeanneSo Leanne won the winners on top of all the previous winners. But that brought her winning total to 6. I dont no why but i so want to be Leanne's friend for like the rest of my life. Neelam was the one who won most by winning 9 out of 39 charts. As you can see Females did the best as I as a person am much closer to females than males I seem to feel more at ease around females. Maybe because im just a big BITCH maself. Males that Did well on the chart were. Mustafa, Steven and Barry.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Im trying so hard that its hurting me
Well ive moved away from my area four hours away to be exact and i have come to live with my Aunt and her partner and its nice the place ive moved to is a small countryside sort of thing and compared to the big city ive come from its close to heaven. But im trying to be happy and forget about all my food problems. Its so not easy but ive been trying i have only made myself sick once since ive come up. Also i no this sounds a bit embaressing but i have got so horny i no im like 18 but my aunts boyfriend has the internet and ive been like addicted to X-tube, Pornotube and Redtube. When ever i can im watching them but im taking such a risk that i always regret after because im deleteing the internet history but i dont no if my Aunts boyfriend has a way of undeleteing the deleted. Also he has lots of folders on his laptop that keeps infomation of the net and whats been accessed i always say to myself 'dont watch anymore porn' but i always give in and do it anyway i have a few lies created incase he does see them. I dont want to lie i just dont want to be ended and sent home.
Ive ben keeping a diary since i came to my Aunts to help me forget all the negative parts of my life. Ive missded writing in my blog but as im not aloud to use the internet untill i get a job i have been sneaking on when my Aunt says i can then i just delete what ive been on His rules are im aloud to check my hotmail but thats it. Also theres a guy i dont no if i have told you in previous Blogs (i think i have) well there is this guy steven who i have got back in contact with and i swear im still totali in love with him. I did cut all communication with him because of how i felt but he got back in contact with me over bebo, and i couldnt resist the temptation of talking to him.
Im missing my cats so much and my mom and nan but as im so stressed and all panicy about finding a job and somewhere to live that i find it hard to smile sometime never mind miss anyone. But im glad im away from where i used to live but i swear i am so tempted to start starving myself again, but i dont wnat to i am just finding it hard to deal with. problems over and over again things go wrong and i cant really take it. I could of a few years ago i would have stressed them moved on but now its like no way i get knocked back i dont half get flung back.
Ive ben keeping a diary since i came to my Aunts to help me forget all the negative parts of my life. Ive missded writing in my blog but as im not aloud to use the internet untill i get a job i have been sneaking on when my Aunt says i can then i just delete what ive been on His rules are im aloud to check my hotmail but thats it. Also theres a guy i dont no if i have told you in previous Blogs (i think i have) well there is this guy steven who i have got back in contact with and i swear im still totali in love with him. I did cut all communication with him because of how i felt but he got back in contact with me over bebo, and i couldnt resist the temptation of talking to him.
Im missing my cats so much and my mom and nan but as im so stressed and all panicy about finding a job and somewhere to live that i find it hard to smile sometime never mind miss anyone. But im glad im away from where i used to live but i swear i am so tempted to start starving myself again, but i dont wnat to i am just finding it hard to deal with. problems over and over again things go wrong and i cant really take it. I could of a few years ago i would have stressed them moved on but now its like no way i get knocked back i dont half get flung back.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
All about Moi
It’s Thursday 13th March and I’m writing this Blog entry for either my Blogger Blog or my Bebo Blog (wow alliteration) as I don’t have internet access at the moment im doing my Blog’s now so I can just add them at a later date. lol. The way I babble on I may have a novels worth to paste on to my Blog’s. But yeah yesterday my Best eva friend in the world Basra came to my house yesterday and we had a pic fest because as im leaving Birmingham in 22 days im not sure if and when we are going to see each other again. It saddens me, as we have had to come up against many events that have stopped us seeing each other for ages. And I mean it was like months even a year at one point but I swear that we are destined to be friends. Its 19:23 at this precise moment im sitting on the floor at the far end of my room listening to a whole range of Regina Spektor’s music. She’s so fascinating her voice and writing and music I mean it’s so beautiful to listen to and I feel lucky that I came across her as her music blows my mind.
Im excited and shit scared about moving because I know that im getting away from Birmingham but I don’t know what is going to happen or where ill end up I mean wow man I’m just so nervous about anything nowadays. And to add to that im to scared to go out on my own so im housebound until I leave I hate feeling so scared all the time. I feel like a right baby I just have this fear in me that if I go out on my own something bad is going to happen to me. I hate myself most days as in I hate my personality and my looks. My looks are a very controversial matter when it comes to my family and me especially my mom. She sees how much I hate myself and it upsets her she says I am “a great looking lad” but moms are meant to say that. When I have my low moments my head is full of thoughts about what I would like to change I mean I hope I am not the only one but I hate myself so much especially my looks that’s probably where the food problem came from.
I look at myself and I think of what I would love to be like I compare myself to others like all the time, and it don’t make me feel any better actually I feel 10x worse but I still do it anyway. Looks wise I would change my hair id want a lovely chocolate brown colour thick and full and shiny. I would want my skin to have a natural glowy healthy tone with NO SPOTS. I would like to be slightly taller like 6ft or 6ft5 and id like to be a bit broader with Muscles (definition not horrible muscles). Perfect teeth would be a must have and defo a Smaller nose. Without sounding dramatic or stupid I would want to change every inch of my body so I wont go on any further but yes I so want to totali change my appearance. I know I am totali selfish because there’s millions of people out there who have been in accidents or have a disability that would love to just worry about spots so I understand im a selfish person and I hate myself for it.
Personality wise I would want a major change to occur. I see myself as a depressive freak that has played and been the victim all his life. I would love to have the fucking balls to ware the clothes that I want and not care about what people care for example I would love to ware skinny jeans but I haven’t got the bravery to. I am mad about scarves and I want to ware real weird ones but as usual im worried about what other people will think. If I could choose my personality to be anyway I want I would like to be just like Effy from skins and Cassie from skins. Cassie who is my fav eva is kooky unusual and she has a bravery and charm about her and that’s what I want to be. I want to be different and quirky. Effy on the other hand although Cassie is mysterious in her own way Effy is mystery through and through. She speaks a thousand words with one of her glances she’s so alluring and although she hardly speaks ever she’s such an interesting person and that’s what I want to be like. I know I wouldn’t be the most sociable but Effy is so held together and so confident and I would love to be like that so maybe guys would finally be interested in me because I know myself that im no where near a 10 out of 10 when it comes to looks, personality, coolness well ya no me im depressive about every aspect of moi. Lol.
But im going to a new town a new place who knows whats install… xx
Im excited and shit scared about moving because I know that im getting away from Birmingham but I don’t know what is going to happen or where ill end up I mean wow man I’m just so nervous about anything nowadays. And to add to that im to scared to go out on my own so im housebound until I leave I hate feeling so scared all the time. I feel like a right baby I just have this fear in me that if I go out on my own something bad is going to happen to me. I hate myself most days as in I hate my personality and my looks. My looks are a very controversial matter when it comes to my family and me especially my mom. She sees how much I hate myself and it upsets her she says I am “a great looking lad” but moms are meant to say that. When I have my low moments my head is full of thoughts about what I would like to change I mean I hope I am not the only one but I hate myself so much especially my looks that’s probably where the food problem came from.
I look at myself and I think of what I would love to be like I compare myself to others like all the time, and it don’t make me feel any better actually I feel 10x worse but I still do it anyway. Looks wise I would change my hair id want a lovely chocolate brown colour thick and full and shiny. I would want my skin to have a natural glowy healthy tone with NO SPOTS. I would like to be slightly taller like 6ft or 6ft5 and id like to be a bit broader with Muscles (definition not horrible muscles). Perfect teeth would be a must have and defo a Smaller nose. Without sounding dramatic or stupid I would want to change every inch of my body so I wont go on any further but yes I so want to totali change my appearance. I know I am totali selfish because there’s millions of people out there who have been in accidents or have a disability that would love to just worry about spots so I understand im a selfish person and I hate myself for it.
Personality wise I would want a major change to occur. I see myself as a depressive freak that has played and been the victim all his life. I would love to have the fucking balls to ware the clothes that I want and not care about what people care for example I would love to ware skinny jeans but I haven’t got the bravery to. I am mad about scarves and I want to ware real weird ones but as usual im worried about what other people will think. If I could choose my personality to be anyway I want I would like to be just like Effy from skins and Cassie from skins. Cassie who is my fav eva is kooky unusual and she has a bravery and charm about her and that’s what I want to be. I want to be different and quirky. Effy on the other hand although Cassie is mysterious in her own way Effy is mystery through and through. She speaks a thousand words with one of her glances she’s so alluring and although she hardly speaks ever she’s such an interesting person and that’s what I want to be like. I know I wouldn’t be the most sociable but Effy is so held together and so confident and I would love to be like that so maybe guys would finally be interested in me because I know myself that im no where near a 10 out of 10 when it comes to looks, personality, coolness well ya no me im depressive about every aspect of moi. Lol.
But im going to a new town a new place who knows whats install… xx
Me Food and that Mirror
Now it’s Wednesday 12th March 2008 and this Blog entry is for Bebo and Blogger and this Blog entry is very important to me. I am going to write about something now but its not to boast and its in no way a cry for attention as im quite alright now ive helped myself and I have had certain peoples help which im so grateful for. Im writing this simply because I need it to be said and I feel it needs to be said and this Bebo page and my Blogger is all me but on the internet and I want and need to talk about the darkest parts of my personal life in order to grow and develop and evidentially be happy. An if you read this then just look at it as pure honesty that isn’t sugar-coated or extended I would use the names of all the people involved but its not fair on them so ill say things like ‘he said or she seemed’ I may be a bitch lol and use certain names.
I’ve been going through a problem which I haven’t hid at all from my Bebo page some people have noticed others haven’t I don’t mind really because I didn’t do it to make a point I did it as I really didn’t care what people thought of me. Im me sadly but im working on being happy (wow it rhymes I know crap rhyme but still it rhymes lol)
Now I want to talk about my 2-3 years with an eating problem I mean I would love to give it a title but I cant I didn’t get a medical examination and as ive looked on pro ana sites and compared them to support sites I am unsure what I am or what I was I should say as I think or im hoping my food problems have gone away to the extent that im only worrying and thinking about my weight im not actually physically doing anything to enable Weight loss: Here is the BMI scale:
Emaciated = UNDER 15 BMI Anorexic = Under 17.5 BMI Underweight = Under 19 BMI Normal = 19 - 24 BMI Overweight = 25 - 29 BMI Obese = +29 BMI
My BMI from what I know is 21-21.5 so I am normal weight and I worked out that if I wanted my BMI to be under 19 I would need to be 8 stone or just under. At my lowest points that’s what I was praying to be I did a “good job” in the first few months as I went down from over 11 stone to just below 10 but sadly I started putting it back on (I know I am contradicting myself by saying ‘sadly I put the weight back on’ I just mean if I didn’t put it back on id be ok and wouldn’t of worried but I swear I was making myself sick, starving etc I wanted to loose weight and I was going to make sure that I did). I always thought about my triggers (as in what would cause me to start purging or starving or even binging) and for me it was things like if I wanted to diet I would but instead of sensibly cutting down on unhealthy foods I would cut out food altogether I wouldn’t eat for 1-2 days (sometimes up to 4 days) at the end of my fasts however many days they were I would binge until I was on the borderline of throwing up.
Speaking of throwing up on Monday 24th December 2007 I wrote a Blog entry on my Blogger site called “Since I did it I have felt 2 kinds of pain” and it was about the first time I actually made myself sick. Here’s what it said.
“When I made myself sick for the first time I felt happy and powerful I loved the control I had over myself. Although I gave into the temptation of eating I sure made up for it and brought it back up…but the day after I felt nasty and horrible and my throat was so painful. It still is quite sore but I have a plan there’s no way I can get out of my xmas dinner so I will eat up till then, then after xmas dinner I will stick to my goal. I just hope the temptation wont get me like it has so may times.”
So I wrote this the day before xmas about when I made myself sick a few days before the 24th but I also said in the Blog entry that I loved the feeling of control. I mean I know that sounds like a typical anorexic thing to say but I did I loved the feeling of power I had. I said at the end of that entry that after xmas dinner I would not give into temptation. The thing is I did I ate and ate but also I started to make my self sick a few times a week as I new the dangers and life threatening damages that could come from purging I was very weary.
But this brings me back to my triggers. If I hadn’t been eating for a few days and I was happy that I have resisted the temptation if I was forced to eat I wouldn’t just make myself sick I would cut the top of my left arm until I felt that id bled enough. As I was always at my old job id make an excuse to go out as it was always at night or I would take the dog for a walk and id get my toothbrush or a pen and id leave the house and as I was getting closer to the spot where I would make myself sick I would feel excited and I couldn’t wait to bring up the food that I had no choice but to eat. Sometimes it would take a while for the sick to come up so id have to really shove the toothbrush to the back of my throat (which would really hurt but I didn’t care). Some nights it would take me ages to throw up so there I would be walking across a big field in the dark heaving and choking until finally the sick came up.
Although I no longer want to make myself sick or starve myself I can safely say that the biggest natural high I have ever felt is the feeling after not eating for about 3 or more days. You feel faint, dizzy and so light. I felt so happy and light headed every time I went without food for a few days I loved it. But the point is im better now and as im being given a chance of a new life and I want to take it I cant deny that the temptation to slip back into my old ways with food is there but I am ignoring it as its no where near a nice place to be in. On a number of occasions I really needed to talk to my mom and soon as I would mention food in a negative way she wouldn’t let me talk she would get mad and start firing questions at me and she kept saying and shouting that people who make them selves sick or starve themselves are stupid and then by the time she had finished having a moan I was to angry and upset to confide in her. I swear her and me would be closer if she learnt to shut up and listen when I speak.
Now im not proud of what im about to write now but it just shows how bad I actually got. I didn’t realise that Bebo had so many eating disorder groups so I joined a few of them which lead to me getting a lot more tips such as hiding what I was doing and how to make what im doing a lot more effective as in speeding up weight loss. After a while I got talking to a lot of people on Bebo that had eating disorders and the ages ranged from 14 upwards to people in mid twenties. I saw a lot of pictures of individuals with an eating disorder and I felt Jealous that they were more successful than me when it came to loosing weight or giving into temptation. So get this I was jealous that people were basically killing themselves faster than I was and it was at that point that I realised that I had gone past being picky with food to a full blown problem and its only because I had to leave that job I was in which I will talk about in later Blog’s. That’s when I went total loopy and the thing is I knew it was serious I stopped confiding in Denise who had known previous to me getting as bad as I did. Denise was one of the first people I told besides from my Aunty when I was drunk (lol) about my eating problems but I told her in the middle when I wasn’t sure what was happening. Its not that I didn’t trust her but I mean it was my problem and I had and have no right to put any big problems such as that on anyone let alone a teenager who most likely has a sit load of there own problems.
Before I finish this Blog entry in the bathroom of my old job ya no in ‘that house’ there was a bathroom that had one whole side of the wall covered in mirror tiles and it made this humungous mirror and when I felt low as shit as I did everyday so I would stand in front of the wall of mirror tiles and I would position myself in the grooves where each tile was slotted together and I realised that when I stood at a certain angle it would half the width of me and I looked so thin and skinny and I would stand there most nights just standing there for ages until I got so upset I would fall to my knees and try not to let anyone here me cry because I saw what I wanted to look like and I realised that I was no where near that thin it was disturbing but im away from all of that shit now.
Anyway that’s it for this entry I could babble on forever but I wont lol.
I’ve been going through a problem which I haven’t hid at all from my Bebo page some people have noticed others haven’t I don’t mind really because I didn’t do it to make a point I did it as I really didn’t care what people thought of me. Im me sadly but im working on being happy (wow it rhymes I know crap rhyme but still it rhymes lol)
Now I want to talk about my 2-3 years with an eating problem I mean I would love to give it a title but I cant I didn’t get a medical examination and as ive looked on pro ana sites and compared them to support sites I am unsure what I am or what I was I should say as I think or im hoping my food problems have gone away to the extent that im only worrying and thinking about my weight im not actually physically doing anything to enable Weight loss: Here is the BMI scale:
Emaciated = UNDER 15 BMI Anorexic = Under 17.5 BMI Underweight = Under 19 BMI Normal = 19 - 24 BMI Overweight = 25 - 29 BMI Obese = +29 BMI
My BMI from what I know is 21-21.5 so I am normal weight and I worked out that if I wanted my BMI to be under 19 I would need to be 8 stone or just under. At my lowest points that’s what I was praying to be I did a “good job” in the first few months as I went down from over 11 stone to just below 10 but sadly I started putting it back on (I know I am contradicting myself by saying ‘sadly I put the weight back on’ I just mean if I didn’t put it back on id be ok and wouldn’t of worried but I swear I was making myself sick, starving etc I wanted to loose weight and I was going to make sure that I did). I always thought about my triggers (as in what would cause me to start purging or starving or even binging) and for me it was things like if I wanted to diet I would but instead of sensibly cutting down on unhealthy foods I would cut out food altogether I wouldn’t eat for 1-2 days (sometimes up to 4 days) at the end of my fasts however many days they were I would binge until I was on the borderline of throwing up.
Speaking of throwing up on Monday 24th December 2007 I wrote a Blog entry on my Blogger site called “Since I did it I have felt 2 kinds of pain” and it was about the first time I actually made myself sick. Here’s what it said.
“When I made myself sick for the first time I felt happy and powerful I loved the control I had over myself. Although I gave into the temptation of eating I sure made up for it and brought it back up…but the day after I felt nasty and horrible and my throat was so painful. It still is quite sore but I have a plan there’s no way I can get out of my xmas dinner so I will eat up till then, then after xmas dinner I will stick to my goal. I just hope the temptation wont get me like it has so may times.”
So I wrote this the day before xmas about when I made myself sick a few days before the 24th but I also said in the Blog entry that I loved the feeling of control. I mean I know that sounds like a typical anorexic thing to say but I did I loved the feeling of power I had. I said at the end of that entry that after xmas dinner I would not give into temptation. The thing is I did I ate and ate but also I started to make my self sick a few times a week as I new the dangers and life threatening damages that could come from purging I was very weary.
But this brings me back to my triggers. If I hadn’t been eating for a few days and I was happy that I have resisted the temptation if I was forced to eat I wouldn’t just make myself sick I would cut the top of my left arm until I felt that id bled enough. As I was always at my old job id make an excuse to go out as it was always at night or I would take the dog for a walk and id get my toothbrush or a pen and id leave the house and as I was getting closer to the spot where I would make myself sick I would feel excited and I couldn’t wait to bring up the food that I had no choice but to eat. Sometimes it would take a while for the sick to come up so id have to really shove the toothbrush to the back of my throat (which would really hurt but I didn’t care). Some nights it would take me ages to throw up so there I would be walking across a big field in the dark heaving and choking until finally the sick came up.
Although I no longer want to make myself sick or starve myself I can safely say that the biggest natural high I have ever felt is the feeling after not eating for about 3 or more days. You feel faint, dizzy and so light. I felt so happy and light headed every time I went without food for a few days I loved it. But the point is im better now and as im being given a chance of a new life and I want to take it I cant deny that the temptation to slip back into my old ways with food is there but I am ignoring it as its no where near a nice place to be in. On a number of occasions I really needed to talk to my mom and soon as I would mention food in a negative way she wouldn’t let me talk she would get mad and start firing questions at me and she kept saying and shouting that people who make them selves sick or starve themselves are stupid and then by the time she had finished having a moan I was to angry and upset to confide in her. I swear her and me would be closer if she learnt to shut up and listen when I speak.
Now im not proud of what im about to write now but it just shows how bad I actually got. I didn’t realise that Bebo had so many eating disorder groups so I joined a few of them which lead to me getting a lot more tips such as hiding what I was doing and how to make what im doing a lot more effective as in speeding up weight loss. After a while I got talking to a lot of people on Bebo that had eating disorders and the ages ranged from 14 upwards to people in mid twenties. I saw a lot of pictures of individuals with an eating disorder and I felt Jealous that they were more successful than me when it came to loosing weight or giving into temptation. So get this I was jealous that people were basically killing themselves faster than I was and it was at that point that I realised that I had gone past being picky with food to a full blown problem and its only because I had to leave that job I was in which I will talk about in later Blog’s. That’s when I went total loopy and the thing is I knew it was serious I stopped confiding in Denise who had known previous to me getting as bad as I did. Denise was one of the first people I told besides from my Aunty when I was drunk (lol) about my eating problems but I told her in the middle when I wasn’t sure what was happening. Its not that I didn’t trust her but I mean it was my problem and I had and have no right to put any big problems such as that on anyone let alone a teenager who most likely has a sit load of there own problems.
Before I finish this Blog entry in the bathroom of my old job ya no in ‘that house’ there was a bathroom that had one whole side of the wall covered in mirror tiles and it made this humungous mirror and when I felt low as shit as I did everyday so I would stand in front of the wall of mirror tiles and I would position myself in the grooves where each tile was slotted together and I realised that when I stood at a certain angle it would half the width of me and I looked so thin and skinny and I would stand there most nights just standing there for ages until I got so upset I would fall to my knees and try not to let anyone here me cry because I saw what I wanted to look like and I realised that I was no where near that thin it was disturbing but im away from all of that shit now.
Anyway that’s it for this entry I could babble on forever but I wont lol.
Fresh Starts, Thankyou's and Fuckyou's
So it’s Tuesday11th March 2008 six days since my 18th birthday. It wasn’t the best to be honest but my aunt came down to Birmingham so that was nice she came down on the Wednesday and went back the day after that’s a lot of travelling to do in 24 hours. I’m writing this on my laptop so I can then copy and paste it on to my Bebo page, as I haven’t been on Bebo properly for ages but soon as April 7th comes along ill be in my new home of Louth and away from Birmingham so ill be able to update Bebo all the time (fingers crossed). Yes thanks to my aunt and her long-term (I think) boyfriend who is really cool I am getting a lifeline (and when I say life line I mean it is an actual life line) I am going to build a new life for myself in Louth and be happy I hope or I pray. I’m not religious as such but I have had great comfort that there is someone up there listening to me and giving me the strength to go on and stopping me from doing something stupid, On a number of occasions.
Anyway I have had some defo shit luck and I mean it’s crippled me emotionally, physically, and mentally, financially and I really could have gone over the edge even further than I have done. But not everyone has an easy life and compared to thousands even millions I cant and shouldn’t even complain about my life. I mean I have also realised that me personally I don’t know about you (even though I don’t think anyone’s reading this but that’s ok its like a diary but if anyone comments on it its just a bonus) I have noticed that I can have a certain amount of problems but when something else comes along that’s negative the previous problem takes a sideline or a backseat. It doesn’t disappear I mean I’m not that fucking lucky but its not as a apparent to me. Like I have had a lot of issues with eating and I mean I was doing some really stupid stuff. My problem with food started shortly after I left year 11 and I mean that’s 2-3 years of mental torture and its restricted me socially and emotionally but since all these other problems came along such as the situations I have been in and the horrible and I mean seedy low life people I have met I have wised up and although I think about food nearly all of the time and hate it most days I’m eating I just hope to get away from it completely. But im looking t the future and I want in it total
Positive-ness (wow I didn’t think positive ness was a word, wow im learning new things every day) But yeah its going to be a new me xx that people want to know because im positive happy and proud of who I am.
But I am literally praying to god that my luck will be better and more positive, not just for me but for my family who has had to put up with it as well. I’m not asking for oodles of money or to get everything I want I just want to get by in life without any major negativity as I know there’s ups and downs in life and I think I am finally and hopefully learning to go with the flow. But I’m scared that if anything else goes wrong I wont be able to go with the flow and that I might end up drowning and going into total melt down. But I saw a section on Richard and Judy that really showed me a burst of reality it was all about these teenage suicides in whales (I think it was in whales) and I feel ripped apart inside because if only they had someone to talk to or if only they knew there was a way out. But obviously I have no right to even try and comment on there situations as no one knows what was going on behind the scenes of there lives weather it was in there head or feelings or even what was going on in the home or school that no one knows about. I mean you have to be brave to kill your self I don’t care what anyone says suicide is not the easy option and its not the easy way out.
But leaving Birmingham is going to be slightly sad as im leaving behind my Mom (who although we argue constantly and prob have more hatred for each other than like most days I’m going to miss like hell. Also my two girls Momma and Molly-Moo who I’m doing a special Bebo photo album for there my life the most positive and honest things in my life ever although momma rips the shit out of me and Molly-Moo wakes me up at horrible times in the morning, but I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way there my wow Huns and I love them so much. Also not forgetting my Nan who I swear is so cool she helps me even if it puts her self in trouble and I mean im so glad she is my Nan and I’m so lucky and im really sad that im leaving her. When it comes to friends I haven’t got that many to miss to be honest but the ones I will miss I will miss so much.
Well there is this girl and she is the most important friend to me in the whole world. She is accepting, loving, beautiful and one of the most trust worthy friends in existence, and she can have one hell of an argument. Her name is Basra Ahmed. Basra has helped and seen me through more than enough dramas, tragedies, and our fare share of arguments. We have been friends for six years so that makes her my longest proper friends. Our friendship isn’t the easiest due to our very different cultural and religious backgrounds but we have fought society and although we don’t see much of each other we have the strongest bond and we have serious plans for the future.
Also other friends I will miss are Laura ive known about 18 months it could be longer we have had a bumpy friendship full of ups and downs but I hope with all my heart that we continue to be friends and that she comes up and sees me in Louth. Laura is so clever but has her blonde moments, which are so funny she has helped me so much thanks Laura. Also Denise we also have a weird friendship…
(Actually I have a weird friendship with everyone, as I don’t go out since the mugging so I don’t get to see much of my friends. But I love them all in totali different ways and wish to continue growing bonds with them and although im moving 4 hours away from Birmingham it wont make that much of a difference as I don’t see any of them anyway.)
But yeah me and Denise have known each other nearly a year and she is totali cool she has a busy life so its rare we see each other or talk but she always makes an effort t call me and when I have money for credit I always drop her a text to let her know im thinking of her. Also finally Leanne is so cool ive known her the least amount of time but I so feel like I know her she’s so genuine and she has a nick name ‘Ma sister from another Mister’. She’s funny up for a laugh and also has a serious side she’s got everything.
But ive rambled on long enough in this Blog its just basically about new beginnings and fresh starts and parts of my past that I want to bring with me. I didn’t feel like talking about the people I want to forget because basically they aint worth it and I don’t want to see them ever again and I hope they enjoy there seedy lives. Enjoy your rut people. But thank you so much to my Mom, Nan, Aunt, Simon, Basra, Laura, Denise, Leanne. You have all helped me in your onw ways no matter how small or how big you helped me. You helped me survive and im not sure if theres a god per say but I know there someone or something up there that’s giving me the strength. Also thanks to my Momma and Molly- Moo who although you cant talk understand me better than anyone x mhaw x
Anyway I have had some defo shit luck and I mean it’s crippled me emotionally, physically, and mentally, financially and I really could have gone over the edge even further than I have done. But not everyone has an easy life and compared to thousands even millions I cant and shouldn’t even complain about my life. I mean I have also realised that me personally I don’t know about you (even though I don’t think anyone’s reading this but that’s ok its like a diary but if anyone comments on it its just a bonus) I have noticed that I can have a certain amount of problems but when something else comes along that’s negative the previous problem takes a sideline or a backseat. It doesn’t disappear I mean I’m not that fucking lucky but its not as a apparent to me. Like I have had a lot of issues with eating and I mean I was doing some really stupid stuff. My problem with food started shortly after I left year 11 and I mean that’s 2-3 years of mental torture and its restricted me socially and emotionally but since all these other problems came along such as the situations I have been in and the horrible and I mean seedy low life people I have met I have wised up and although I think about food nearly all of the time and hate it most days I’m eating I just hope to get away from it completely. But im looking t the future and I want in it total
Positive-ness (wow I didn’t think positive ness was a word, wow im learning new things every day) But yeah its going to be a new me xx that people want to know because im positive happy and proud of who I am.
But I am literally praying to god that my luck will be better and more positive, not just for me but for my family who has had to put up with it as well. I’m not asking for oodles of money or to get everything I want I just want to get by in life without any major negativity as I know there’s ups and downs in life and I think I am finally and hopefully learning to go with the flow. But I’m scared that if anything else goes wrong I wont be able to go with the flow and that I might end up drowning and going into total melt down. But I saw a section on Richard and Judy that really showed me a burst of reality it was all about these teenage suicides in whales (I think it was in whales) and I feel ripped apart inside because if only they had someone to talk to or if only they knew there was a way out. But obviously I have no right to even try and comment on there situations as no one knows what was going on behind the scenes of there lives weather it was in there head or feelings or even what was going on in the home or school that no one knows about. I mean you have to be brave to kill your self I don’t care what anyone says suicide is not the easy option and its not the easy way out.
But leaving Birmingham is going to be slightly sad as im leaving behind my Mom (who although we argue constantly and prob have more hatred for each other than like most days I’m going to miss like hell. Also my two girls Momma and Molly-Moo who I’m doing a special Bebo photo album for there my life the most positive and honest things in my life ever although momma rips the shit out of me and Molly-Moo wakes me up at horrible times in the morning, but I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way there my wow Huns and I love them so much. Also not forgetting my Nan who I swear is so cool she helps me even if it puts her self in trouble and I mean im so glad she is my Nan and I’m so lucky and im really sad that im leaving her. When it comes to friends I haven’t got that many to miss to be honest but the ones I will miss I will miss so much.
Well there is this girl and she is the most important friend to me in the whole world. She is accepting, loving, beautiful and one of the most trust worthy friends in existence, and she can have one hell of an argument. Her name is Basra Ahmed. Basra has helped and seen me through more than enough dramas, tragedies, and our fare share of arguments. We have been friends for six years so that makes her my longest proper friends. Our friendship isn’t the easiest due to our very different cultural and religious backgrounds but we have fought society and although we don’t see much of each other we have the strongest bond and we have serious plans for the future.
Also other friends I will miss are Laura ive known about 18 months it could be longer we have had a bumpy friendship full of ups and downs but I hope with all my heart that we continue to be friends and that she comes up and sees me in Louth. Laura is so clever but has her blonde moments, which are so funny she has helped me so much thanks Laura. Also Denise we also have a weird friendship…
(Actually I have a weird friendship with everyone, as I don’t go out since the mugging so I don’t get to see much of my friends. But I love them all in totali different ways and wish to continue growing bonds with them and although im moving 4 hours away from Birmingham it wont make that much of a difference as I don’t see any of them anyway.)
But yeah me and Denise have known each other nearly a year and she is totali cool she has a busy life so its rare we see each other or talk but she always makes an effort t call me and when I have money for credit I always drop her a text to let her know im thinking of her. Also finally Leanne is so cool ive known her the least amount of time but I so feel like I know her she’s so genuine and she has a nick name ‘Ma sister from another Mister’. She’s funny up for a laugh and also has a serious side she’s got everything.
But ive rambled on long enough in this Blog its just basically about new beginnings and fresh starts and parts of my past that I want to bring with me. I didn’t feel like talking about the people I want to forget because basically they aint worth it and I don’t want to see them ever again and I hope they enjoy there seedy lives. Enjoy your rut people. But thank you so much to my Mom, Nan, Aunt, Simon, Basra, Laura, Denise, Leanne. You have all helped me in your onw ways no matter how small or how big you helped me. You helped me survive and im not sure if theres a god per say but I know there someone or something up there that’s giving me the strength. Also thanks to my Momma and Molly- Moo who although you cant talk understand me better than anyone x mhaw x
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
The same old from me and some sad News
Before i blabber on about me theres some sad news to report...Heath Ledger the man in the photo to your right was found dead in his Manhattan apartment early this morning. He was a hollywood actor and a very good one at that...I have seen him in A nights tale and Broke back mountain although he has been in many more..... its so sad to think that he is such a talented actor and he is now dead....his family say it wasant suicide but no one knows yet it only happend a few hours ago...But i just wanted to pay my respects and say Heath Ledger (R.I.P)......
But now on to me.....Well ive started up this mini blog sort of thing on my bebo...Because when i write on this blog i write lots and sometimes i just want to write a quik angry paragraph...so here they are the blogs ive done on bebo...So people dont hink its me incase they read them (but obviously no one reads them except for my annoying boss)
Ive called them The story of Cameron Lee.....so people will think its a story...im so clever (lol.i wish) This first installment of the Story of Cameron Lee is called....Im Not Moving On (The story of Cameron Lee by Carl James)
Its 2:21 in the morning and i had a real bad night tonight i cant go ino it as this is bebo and i have to be careful what i write as many people no me in real life and i cant have them knowing what is going on....yeah friends are friends but boundries are boundries...
At the moment im in pain inside and out i have to much confusion and thoughts inside me....RIGHTS........WRONGS.............. ...MAYBEY'S.................AND A WHOLE OTHER PILE OF CRAP THAT IM NOT EVEN GOING TO ATTEMPT TO UNDERSTAND OR CLARIFY...
I thought at first that possibly i may have been doing it for attention (i dont like attention in that way but i coulnt think why and how come) well ive litterally been fighting with this for about 2 years could be over could be under im not sure...and if anything im further in now and more confused than ever and im even going to more drastic measures as well.... i mean ive gone on the websites and chat rooms and seen pics but it dont scare me i mean it shits me up...but the scary thing is althouh i know the devestating effects of anorexia and bullimaia and wateva elses food problems i have, Im not put off by what im doing like today for instance i was in my second day of not eating i was doing so well and i mean real well all i had was water and 3 quality street chocs to keep me standing...... i was so happy proud of my self........
I was dizzy and weak and felt do light and and free....but then it happend i gave in i looked in the cupboard of chocolates shouted in my head No,....but ...i just couldnt stop i had one but that werent enough so i ate 8 chocolate bars and a cake....i hated my self for it all that work and what did i do...But i thought thats ok no worries i wont ea dinner but then lost my bottle and couldnt think of an excuse so i sat there ate it thinking i was being watched and the only time i wasnt being watched i ate it...but i coldnt finish my meal i tried so id look like a normal person but i just couldnt.
So i was that mad i went down to the kitchen and necked back 2 pints of water filled my glass up again and went to my room...sat oon my bed took out my bag took out my blades and.....................well i think ya no wat happend...
Now the second one is called: You dont understand (The story of Cameron Lee By Carl James)
People dont understand what im doing they think they no best and that im being silly no i fuking aint being silly. I can do what i want and i dont need you ontroling me if i say i dont want to eat i mean.....I DONT WANT TO EAT.....Theres no if's or but's about it ya can force me but i will hate you for it forever......And now that certain people have been forceing me to eat or getting mad at me for not eating ive ate havent i .... and then i gorged and binged and now i cant stop but now no fucking more im not touching a single chocolate bar, sweet, crisp or anything that has loads of fat in it ya no im going to try and eat at least 2-3 meals a week and then ill be happy thats all im asking why s that so hard for people to understand its my body my mind and i should have control over it......Not anyone else they have no right they may say they care about me or they want me to be happy and eat.....well so what ill be happy when i eat as little as possible..........and thats that......(a random rant of anger and desperation by unacclaimed and unnoticed writer Carl James)
So thats it so far theres bound to be more im an angry sort of person...I have my friends comming round saturday and im sort of not in the mood. I really am not wanting to eat and i was doing so well but my boss cant just leave me alone always pushing food infront of me then i eat it then im moody and my day is ruined and when i dont eat it he gets in a strop with me and my days ruined..The only reason i stop at work all the time is because its a better enviroment to be in as theres more people than just me sat in my room at home going to bed at 6 o clock at night and feeling depressed...also if i wasnat so scared of travelling every night back and forth through my area i would be home every night but after the mugging im shit scared worse than i have ever been i cant handle it....when i say i want to die im not messing around if i had the bravery to do it i would but if i dont get out of brum in the next 3 months then im going to do it im going to kill myself...i dont no how or if im going to starve myself till i die im not sure but im not living on in brum anymore,...I would quite happily not eat except for like twice a week but fucking my boss dont like it for some reason i mean i aint gonna starve ma self or let it effect ma work im just not going to eat as often as i used to...
well im so angry i mean furious i didnt want to fucking eat no i didnt but i did same usual me i cant even be good at having an eating disorder god damn it im such a twat....ive got application forms to do letterd to write and i aint done a single thing im such a twat how do i expect things to change if i dont chane them myself....
p.s i hate daryl.......
Sunday, January 13, 2008
I have found my Real life Cassie
P.S (before i go into this entry just want to say i will be using names from now on instead of saying he and they im going to say barny or wateva so to clear things up in my previous blogs.Steven is the lovely one ya no my brughtest sun who makes me ahaooy and the one im in love with. Sean is the straight guy who i did fancy i gave him a blow job regreted afterwards he is a bit of a twat, but we jus simply have a few jokes now so no biggy its all in the past. Daryl is the one that i hate totali he is a dirty, arse licking, up him self basterd he thinks just cuz he is hard (well he aint his quite a stupid thicko to be honest hes just a stupid thicko with alot of strength lol) so yeah i just wanted to make that all clear and my boss is called Mike....them lot will be spoke about alot and have all been in previous blogs)
Now onto tonights blogs (well this mornings really its 2:29 Am) im half asleep but have wanted do my blog for a while....lol.....but just need to have it in me to do it im not lazy just need to be in the mood to write but yes todays blog is all about hatred, Hunger, Pain, Honesty, disrespect, Daryl.... Firstly the girl in the grey pic is a real life version of Cassie the Charecter i idolise from
skins except for the fact this girl is helping me become anorexic shes the girl from my previous blog entry 'ya no da one who sent me the tips to starve myself, loose weight and hide my anorexia )if thats what i have got).. I mean i Know i shouldnt think of her as a positive thing as she is potrntially helping in killing me....but i dont care i dont want to eat and that final....
Im not doing to bad with the eating although i have my slip ups but im dedicated i weighed myself and measured my waist my weight is Ten stone four and my wrighst is 78 i dont no what that is but i put it around and it said 78...so i dont no im learning thats all i can say....... So yeah ive met my real life Cassie. I hate how i look on pics so if i purposely try to look wierd i cant complain.....ive been on this cool pix remix site and i got a pic of me and a pic of cassie and ive merged them together..and it looks so effective and i wrote on there 'Same soul random hearts' lol thats how i feel when i think of Cassie and yes i know she is a charecter and nort a real person but she is my rock and my support throughout my journey....I love the feeling of dizzyness when there is no food inside me its like a buzz a reward for me cuz i didnt give into temptation....but wen i do give in wow my mood changes i hate myself and feel like cutting my arms legs wherever just to get rid of the pain and anger xx
Now the guy i like Steven well he being a bit off with me he aint as talkative and hasnt came and sat in the room with me for ages and like i said in a previous blog as soon as i loose him im going down down dwon and there aint cummin back ... he is the only thing stopping me from doing something drastic and if i loose him wow.....im in trouble....i just mean he is so special and so lovely i want him in my life if not as a boyfriend than as a great friend that talk about evritink.....i either love him or lust him but its all about how i want him emotionally rather than physically xxx
Theres a previous friend daryl who i hate to the highest high of hatredhe is aggressive, nasty, bully's me threatens me you name it what a dickead fucker does he does it.....i mean i only out up with him because he cant do any wrong in my boss's eyes.....i mean it pisses me off that Daryl is here all the time...i hate hm whenever he walks into a room i jus want his heart to stop...
I know that sounds drastic but its true thats how horrible it is (bu because im supersticious and panicy i just want to state that i dont want Daryl to die just want to be as far away as possible from him)
Ive neva spoke about my friends before in this blog so heres just a quick run through because although there friends im not sure i feel safe around them to the point as i could tell them anything and be myself around them.....i would be to llucky if i dound anyone like that xxx
Denise: Cute Funny, very jelous of people, warm genuinely cares and yes the closest friend i have to feeling safe around..
Laura: Helpful, kind, ver loud argumentative annoying but i love her she is a laugh and a great gossiper i could kill her sometimes but ya no its the way it goes...
Leanne: Met her quite recentley and we Call each other bro and sis and yes shes the sis not me incase thats what you were thinking...She is lovely we are reali close ova msn and bebo in person we not as comftable but its a new friendship ya have to give it time....
(by the way i just had a sharp thought and burst of flavour on my tounge as i was typing cochocolate milkshake just popped in my head ice cold and i could feel the chocolate going doown my throat i felt it and tasted it so strong as if i was really drinking it...wow that was so cool)
Katherine: Well im not sure i think she likes attention slightly dramatic...shes emo so no shcok dere but she seems real nice and fun hope to get to no here better.
And thats about it for this entry: I need to rush my laptop battery is nearli dead and i cant put chatger on cuz im on top bunk of the ned and i should be in bed and i may wake daryl ya no dat pikey inbread cunt i keep swearing about and i no he will grass to Mike my boss that i was up well cya untill next time.....Cassie Rules and So does Rachel (My real life Casie)
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