I cant stand the battle that is going on inside me.....Its like theres a fully blown war going on between my MIND, SOUL and HEART. well at least thats what i think it is..I cant handle it anymore.....Every day is a constant battle just to smile....i mean i have to fight to smile everyday i mean i hate it....
Dont get me wrong i have my good days or my good hours or my good five minutes but nothing, notning makes me happier then when i resist the temptaion to eat...the feeling i mean blows my mind.......i feel strong......i feel like a better person.....i feel light and happy i feel....EXTATIC.....
I LOVE NOT EATING....ITS THE BIGGEST NATURAL HIGH EVER....
But when i do give into temptation and eat i feel horrible and it makes me eat more and more untill i feel sick and i sort of start hateing myself and everyone around me ...Thats the thing when im mad at myself im mad at everyone....and im so mad that i dont even care if i loose them forever.....sometimes i feel like locking myself away untill the temptaion of eating is so minute and im strong enough to live life......happy and strong.......and egnore the hunger
Theres the me: That loves food
Theres the me: That hates food
Theres the me: That cant make up its mind
I know what side i want to win in order to stop the pain and anguish....but i know that if the side i want to win wins...i will have to fight the hunger and be strong and fight the temptation...But will it work...or will i be weak as i usually am....
New years is closely upon us a new years resoloution is at hand......And im determined to stick to what i set out to do.....????? i hope i will so my 2008 will be superbly light and happy
Sunday, December 30, 2007
Wednesday, December 26, 2007
A day of like fucked up emotions and mixes of thingy bobs and stuff
Well lets just get the big thin of the day out in the open....I was mugged by a fucking dickhead with a basterd knife.....I was so scared and thought he was going to kill me i swear a guy around my area was killed just a week ago by being stabbed......He was a filthy basterd as well......fucking basterd look in one of my bags mooched around..... used my new deodrant's (which was one of my xmas gifts) sprayed it all over himself then put it back in my bag....what makes me most angry is i wish i could have done something to stop it or faught back....but no....instead as usual i was scared and just cuz he threatend me i gave him my phone...but i didnt just give him my phone i gave him my dignity and self respect....this is what this picture represents me.....im the man in the pic sad, vulnrable and so upset.........the burning paper represents my self respect and happyness and dignity that that basterd took away from me for the sake of a phone he must have been a fucking druggie......I hope something real bad happens to him he is a fucking cunt who has ruined my xmas....i hate him and i dont even no him thats how angry i am hes horrible....a dirty paracite on the face of human existance (ok i know that sounded dramatic but im gay and upset i should be aloud to be) lmao.
The other pic of the two men kissing is to represnt the romance im feeling for steven who ive mentioned in a few blogs previous to this......he is so cute and handsome (my type looks wise, he is so fit) he is funny cute, makes me laugh and he is the only person i know that lifts me and makes me feel happy whenever he walks into the room...i was in his car for first time he had to go to his sisters he was driving so fast and his speakers were boming out his tunes and he looked so fucking hot his face and how he had positioned his body whilst riving i knew he was hot long before i got in the car with him but fuck me does he look hot behind a wheel....lol......but all jokes aside, i want him and i know i wont get him in the way i want (well really in the way i need him) i do feel like i need him he is like the only positive thing in my life i want him so much........
Monday, December 24, 2007
Since i did it i have felt 2 kinds of pain
When i made myself sick for the first time i felt happy and powerful i loved the control i had over myself. Although i gave into the temptation of eating i sure made up for it and thre it back up....But the day after i felt nasty and horrible and my throat was so painfu.......it still is quite sore but i have a plan theres no way i can get out of xmas dinner so i will eat up till then then after the xmas dinner i will stick to my goal....i just hope the temptation wont get me like it has done so many times ....
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Who the fuck does he think he is, He said he didnt care
Well get this right im at work boss gets loads of pizzas you no because its stephens birthday (the stephen from the blog entry 'potential confidante') fare enough everyone had some pizza and i didnt id already had a chesse burger earlier today....
So i sit with the guy i support (thats sort of my job i nhelp a guy with a disability) i give him his pizza....then afterwards my boss says 'have yours now' and i said to him no its ok....then he said 'no help yourself go on'.....i said no a final time then he said 'welll ya bet hurry up and get some when you are' or something like that i cant exactly remember..
Then the guy from my blog 'eyes so deep they scare and excite me' you no the one who said he doesnt care if i eat or not......well he had the ordasity to come down looking for me i was in the kitchen.....He had in his hand a pizza box with a few slices of pizza in.....and said 'have you had your pizza then. he knew i hadnt he was just being a knob...i said no, no im not hungry then he asked 'what have you had to eat today'.....i said a cheese burger and he said 'is that all, well you can munch on these pizza slices'....
I mean he came in asking questions telling me what to do and from some one else i wouldnt have minded.......but him the one who doesnt give a shit the one who said to me 'does it look like i care'........I mean why is he bothering.........he propbably just trying to look good infront of my boss.......theres a history between them to if ya no what i mean.....
So what i did was i waited i faught the temptation of eating the pizza but then it was to strong my stomach was grumbling and feeling tender and it was cramping so i got the 3 slices that were left put them on a plate and stuck them in the microwave for 90 seconds.....then i took the plate out the microwave and got a knife and fork placed the plate on the kitchen side and stood there......i just stood there i stared at the 3 slices of pizza the steam waved of them i could smell all the flavours my body was screaming at me feed me feed me.......but as i looked at the slices of pizza i started to cry really suddenly......
I picked up the nife and fork and began to cut the slices up into small pieces then i got a piece on the end of my fork and tried to put it near and in my mouth but it wouldnt work i just couldnt do it but then i got so mad i started shoving the cut up pizza in my mouth even if there werent room in my mouth i would shove it in...,i thought to myself if im hungry lets see how i take it i felt like im hungry lets see how hungry i really am......i was like battleing wwith myself.......so i ate it the pizza then had four cakes and necked a pint of water and said to my boss im just taking the dog out for a walk....as i was walking out the back door i grabbed 3 chocolate bars....and then i ran.......
Me and the dog ran out the backgate across the feild i viciously rammed the chocolate bars in my mouth then when i had finished them.....i got the pen i had put in my pocket before i left and i pushed it to the back of my throat and moved it around i ran across the feil again and went into the shadows of the old abandodned factory or warehouse it took me a while to get the right spot but i did it i made myself sick....for the first time ever......and i felt powerful i felt like i have control.......am i going to do it again....who knows ?????????
its now 1:53 am and this blog has taken me hours to finish.....im to tierd to go over it but everythinh must be in here just dont no if it in right order.....
So i sit with the guy i support (thats sort of my job i nhelp a guy with a disability) i give him his pizza....then afterwards my boss says 'have yours now' and i said to him no its ok....then he said 'no help yourself go on'.....i said no a final time then he said 'welll ya bet hurry up and get some when you are' or something like that i cant exactly remember..
Then the guy from my blog 'eyes so deep they scare and excite me' you no the one who said he doesnt care if i eat or not......well he had the ordasity to come down looking for me i was in the kitchen.....He had in his hand a pizza box with a few slices of pizza in.....and said 'have you had your pizza then. he knew i hadnt he was just being a knob...i said no, no im not hungry then he asked 'what have you had to eat today'.....i said a cheese burger and he said 'is that all, well you can munch on these pizza slices'....
I mean he came in asking questions telling me what to do and from some one else i wouldnt have minded.......but him the one who doesnt give a shit the one who said to me 'does it look like i care'........I mean why is he bothering.........he propbably just trying to look good infront of my boss.......theres a history between them to if ya no what i mean.....
So what i did was i waited i faught the temptation of eating the pizza but then it was to strong my stomach was grumbling and feeling tender and it was cramping so i got the 3 slices that were left put them on a plate and stuck them in the microwave for 90 seconds.....then i took the plate out the microwave and got a knife and fork placed the plate on the kitchen side and stood there......i just stood there i stared at the 3 slices of pizza the steam waved of them i could smell all the flavours my body was screaming at me feed me feed me.......but as i looked at the slices of pizza i started to cry really suddenly......
I picked up the nife and fork and began to cut the slices up into small pieces then i got a piece on the end of my fork and tried to put it near and in my mouth but it wouldnt work i just couldnt do it but then i got so mad i started shoving the cut up pizza in my mouth even if there werent room in my mouth i would shove it in...,i thought to myself if im hungry lets see how i take it i felt like im hungry lets see how hungry i really am......i was like battleing wwith myself.......so i ate it the pizza then had four cakes and necked a pint of water and said to my boss im just taking the dog out for a walk....as i was walking out the back door i grabbed 3 chocolate bars....and then i ran.......
Me and the dog ran out the backgate across the feild i viciously rammed the chocolate bars in my mouth then when i had finished them.....i got the pen i had put in my pocket before i left and i pushed it to the back of my throat and moved it around i ran across the feil again and went into the shadows of the old abandodned factory or warehouse it took me a while to get the right spot but i did it i made myself sick....for the first time ever......and i felt powerful i felt like i have control.......am i going to do it again....who knows ?????????
its now 1:53 am and this blog has taken me hours to finish.....im to tierd to go over it but everythinh must be in here just dont no if it in right order.....
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Scares me but dont put me off
I saw this pic somewhere on the internet...of a young woman with anorexia......it scares me it really does but it dont put me off i mean look at her it hardly looks real that she could be alive looking as she does....i mean i no i have problems with food but i dont want to go as far as the woman in he pic....i jus want to be skinny....I know im so stupid and ecspecially being a male as well......
The thing is i know inside im not fat but im starting to see in the mirror my body looks abnormal........i see my wrists are fat as well as my hands....My legs are fat and so are my eye lids and my cheeks...i mean before id say it and think afterwards that im so stupid but now it lingers with me and i dont think im stupid when i say im fat .....
Also the other pic of the woman over the toilet im not very good at making myself sick ive tried and tried but it wont work.....i think my mind is blocking me from doing it.....i mean i know im getting worse but im still scared of consequences of my actions...But as soon as that fear goes i wont care.....
Also today ive had big arguments with socall freinds i mean oh my god the pettyness was unbelieveable....ive got bigger troubles.......I mean i feel like writing a long blog but i havent got it in me it quater past two in the morning.... well final thoughts.....i love my cats so much.....thankyou denise for today and ermmmmm....Im scared xx
Monday, December 17, 2007
Im fed up of fighting
"Cassie" is a fictional character in the television series Skins. She is sixteen years old and played by Hannah Murray.An anorexic, self-harming, drug addict with zero self esteem.
I mean i self harmed and i have a big problem with food but i would never do drugs but my self esteem is shit.......I dont no why i love this charecter so much i mean i see her as a tower of strength......when reali she is my donwfall
Her entire self worth is dependent on her weight, in one episode saying "I didn't eat for three days... so I could be lovely.
I feel like this i feel that when i dont eat im a nicer better person and more likeable mainly because when i dont eat or if i eat very little as not to feel full or heavy im a happier person......so people we want to be around the non-eating me....
she displays obsessive-compulsive tendencies in her need to sort food and also described as having "an interesting relationship with food."
Id say i have a wierd relationship with food i took on her thing of sorting food and it so helps the hunger...i wish it didnt but i does.....and my relationship with food is differnt....i love to hate it but hate to love it i mean i wish i was abit more clear minded......
She uses"wow" and "totally" alot and, even showing a tendency to react positively to bad news so as not to offend.
I love using those words i used totaly before but wow i mean i just love that word...its such a bright word i love it....
im not weird or stupid i just cant handle this fight with food anymore...........
I am so fed up of fighting
Now im sick of eating and feeling like shit permenantly afterwards ....... So i woke up this morning and thought fuck it........I aint gonna feel like shit anymore so im going to be strong and cut down on my food again and this time i aint going to weaken im going to stay strong and try and get away with eating one meal per day to start with then try and dramatically cut down from that.....I have my water to keep me standing.............But i have my days when food is no problem.....
Im at work and earlier i was so desperate to eat a chocolate because int he kitchen there is a side full of cakes and pastrys and a cupboard full of chocolates and i sorted them and placed them all out tidy and it workd it really did i didnt want to eat them......
Also Xmas is a few days away and i really cant be arsed with it to be honest its all pointless its like every otherday......
Im at work and earlier i was so desperate to eat a chocolate because int he kitchen there is a side full of cakes and pastrys and a cupboard full of chocolates and i sorted them and placed them all out tidy and it workd it really did i didnt want to eat them......
Also Xmas is a few days away and i really cant be arsed with it to be honest its all pointless its like every otherday......
Thursday, December 13, 2007
The poem that ruined my life
Ok then.......any young writer like myself dreams of making an impact in the world of poetry, stories, songs well i dont no anything that has something to do with writing.....That was my biggest dream i even went as far as dreaming of becoming a highly respected and controversial writer too....But i didnt think that i would end up loosing the job of my dreams over it......
I worked at a school for children with physical disabilities i was loving it....It started off as being my college work placement and i loved it straight away the pupils the staff the timetable....everything was just brilliant i was on cloud nine.....then a few weeks in it was going that well that i was asked to go on one of there anual week trips to whales which was a big honour and a lot of responsibility.....Obviously i said yes and it was brilliant....then over the few weeks i decided to leave college and ask the scool in question weather they would take me on as a paid apprentice and after a few more weeks of ums and r's.....they finallly said yes and i was over the moon....So i started and it was cool fun and i felt like a real member of the team....
But 3 weeks in my old luck popped back into mylife...i had the idea of taking one of my poems into school to show a fellow member of staff a poem i had written Called ''Darren You Dirty Slag'' and the person i was showing it to was called darren and thats why i was taking it in....The co-worker darren gave me a lift closer to home nearli evri day after school so i didnt have to wait in the traffic......Id got to no him abit better and thought he would love the poem.........he did but a month afterwards....ya see i had the poem on my memory stick so i put it into the computer and printed the poem in question....but the first computer and printer i tried didnt work it said sent to printer but nout came out.....so i moved on to the next computer and printer and wollah......it woked i was so happy i thought right that will be something funny to show daren on the way home,,,,,,,i thought wrong....i thought very fucking wrong.....the poem did print off the first computer but into another room..........
And you never guess who it printed out to guess go on......? ya give up yeah it was Darren he was in the computer room where my poem printed out and the first thing he sees come out the computer is Darren you dirty slag......so as procedure says Darren took the poem to the heads and deputy heads of the school and i was later sacked and my lovely busy happy meaningful world was stolen from me........my own bloody fault for taking that sort of material in the first place into a scool but god the gods were against me...........
And ya neva guess what im now working for darren (lol) at his home working as a pa to the guy living with them who has c.p .............. its an ok job.i mean its not meaningful, i aint making a difference anymore im not happy, i hate my life and evrione in it to an extent (except my lovely cats)
Now as an extra treat for this blog entry here is the actual poem that got me sacked (lol) and they never ended up paying me for my 3 weeks there they ow me 240 quid......basterds........well heres the poem its graphic..........i like it.............you may not....the school defo didnt.......
Darren you dirty slag
Dirty Darren likes to take it deep.
Dirty Darren works hard for his feast.
Dirty Darren likes to feel the flesh between his teeth.
Dirty Darren can’t be beat.
He’ll have you swinging from the chandeliers.
Deep heavy breathing and profanities in your ear.
He likes to fuck to music and he may very well read.
Dirty Darren likes it rough sometimes so… he may even want to make you bleed.
Dirty Darren, Dirty Darren you’re an illusive boy and during your sexual games you use oodles of costumes and sex toys. Bang goes the headboard out goes your soul.
He will fill, spit and come all over your hole.
He likes a clean entrance and tidy view so make sure you get trimming.
Due to the fact the dirty bastard among a hell of a lot of other things, loves rimming.
Now a message to any future fuck buddies, Darren can get peckish.
So expect on the menu… among other things your dick.
Dirty Darren had many female friends. But lost them all because he always ends up fucking their boyfriends in the end.
Dirty Darren digs deep; Dirty Darren does anything but sleep.
Dirty Darren takes any girth, colour or size.
As long as they don’t ejaculate in his eyes.
Darren is a man of the world, and he is an open book.
There are only simple questions someone could ask him about how he likes to fuck.
Darren do ya like cock?
Darren do ya like them long?
Darren do ya like wimps or geezers?
Darren do ya like them strong?
Darren will fuck even when sex is out of fashion.
Being on top is Darren’s gravest passion.
So if you’re lucky enough to get a session with him.
Your sexually epic journey is about to begin.
Basically Dirty Darren loves cock, and dirty Darren will never fucking stop.
By
(I would love to say but cant, I want to sort of keep my identity secret)
So there thats the poem and the story behind it about how my life was derailed and how my dream of becoming a controversial writer kind of happend, just with bigger consequences than id first thought..............I loved that school i loved it so much..........So after that i became cold to things so at least if anything else goes wrong i wont get hurt again xx
I worked at a school for children with physical disabilities i was loving it....It started off as being my college work placement and i loved it straight away the pupils the staff the timetable....everything was just brilliant i was on cloud nine.....then a few weeks in it was going that well that i was asked to go on one of there anual week trips to whales which was a big honour and a lot of responsibility.....Obviously i said yes and it was brilliant....then over the few weeks i decided to leave college and ask the scool in question weather they would take me on as a paid apprentice and after a few more weeks of ums and r's.....they finallly said yes and i was over the moon....So i started and it was cool fun and i felt like a real member of the team....
But 3 weeks in my old luck popped back into mylife...i had the idea of taking one of my poems into school to show a fellow member of staff a poem i had written Called ''Darren You Dirty Slag'' and the person i was showing it to was called darren and thats why i was taking it in....The co-worker darren gave me a lift closer to home nearli evri day after school so i didnt have to wait in the traffic......Id got to no him abit better and thought he would love the poem.........he did but a month afterwards....ya see i had the poem on my memory stick so i put it into the computer and printed the poem in question....but the first computer and printer i tried didnt work it said sent to printer but nout came out.....so i moved on to the next computer and printer and wollah......it woked i was so happy i thought right that will be something funny to show daren on the way home,,,,,,,i thought wrong....i thought very fucking wrong.....the poem did print off the first computer but into another room..........
And you never guess who it printed out to guess go on......? ya give up yeah it was Darren he was in the computer room where my poem printed out and the first thing he sees come out the computer is Darren you dirty slag......so as procedure says Darren took the poem to the heads and deputy heads of the school and i was later sacked and my lovely busy happy meaningful world was stolen from me........my own bloody fault for taking that sort of material in the first place into a scool but god the gods were against me...........
And ya neva guess what im now working for darren (lol) at his home working as a pa to the guy living with them who has c.p .............. its an ok job.i mean its not meaningful, i aint making a difference anymore im not happy, i hate my life and evrione in it to an extent (except my lovely cats)
Now as an extra treat for this blog entry here is the actual poem that got me sacked (lol) and they never ended up paying me for my 3 weeks there they ow me 240 quid......basterds........well heres the poem its graphic..........i like it.............you may not....the school defo didnt.......
Darren you dirty slag
Dirty Darren likes to take it deep.
Dirty Darren works hard for his feast.
Dirty Darren likes to feel the flesh between his teeth.
Dirty Darren can’t be beat.
He’ll have you swinging from the chandeliers.
Deep heavy breathing and profanities in your ear.
He likes to fuck to music and he may very well read.
Dirty Darren likes it rough sometimes so… he may even want to make you bleed.
Dirty Darren, Dirty Darren you’re an illusive boy and during your sexual games you use oodles of costumes and sex toys. Bang goes the headboard out goes your soul.
He will fill, spit and come all over your hole.
He likes a clean entrance and tidy view so make sure you get trimming.
Due to the fact the dirty bastard among a hell of a lot of other things, loves rimming.
Now a message to any future fuck buddies, Darren can get peckish.
So expect on the menu… among other things your dick.
Dirty Darren had many female friends. But lost them all because he always ends up fucking their boyfriends in the end.
Dirty Darren digs deep; Dirty Darren does anything but sleep.
Dirty Darren takes any girth, colour or size.
As long as they don’t ejaculate in his eyes.
Darren is a man of the world, and he is an open book.
There are only simple questions someone could ask him about how he likes to fuck.
Darren do ya like cock?
Darren do ya like them long?
Darren do ya like wimps or geezers?
Darren do ya like them strong?
Darren will fuck even when sex is out of fashion.
Being on top is Darren’s gravest passion.
So if you’re lucky enough to get a session with him.
Your sexually epic journey is about to begin.
Basically Dirty Darren loves cock, and dirty Darren will never fucking stop.
By
(I would love to say but cant, I want to sort of keep my identity secret)
So there thats the poem and the story behind it about how my life was derailed and how my dream of becoming a controversial writer kind of happend, just with bigger consequences than id first thought..............I loved that school i loved it so much..........So after that i became cold to things so at least if anything else goes wrong i wont get hurt again xx
Binge eating for nearly a week....
I cant stop, i just cant stop eating eating eating...... ive gone from one extreme of not eating or eating as little as possible to full blown gorging.... but im not getting to excited because....I dont even taste the food whilst im eating it. Im trying make myself full to stop the noise of the hunger but the person inside of me who doesnt want the food is getting more and more angry and i feel like im being torn in 2 i cant help it i try to egnore one of the people inside me but then the other one starts on me and at the moment im too weak to fight (im not being dramatic mentally i am too weak to fight my corner against two other people onside me) i dont no whats going to hapen i can quickly see the binge coming to an end (well i hope it does) But i know then as soon as i dont want to binge the otherside will kick in and i wont want to eat full stop and ill be as worse off just hungry and weak...
Its come to peoples attention about my problem with food firstly.....When i was drunk on holiday at my aunts (i drank about 8 or 9 red wines and i cant even handle alco-pops) me her and her boyfreind were in the pub and me and my aunt began to speak......granted i was nearly very drunk by the time my mouth began to run off....She said that i had lost weight and i smiled and said thankyou......she looked worried at me and said why do you take me saying you've lost weight as a compliment and i told her that ive been working on my weight............(well to cut a long story short we were chatting then for about two hours in the corner of the oub me red wine after red wine her white wine after white wine)
I basically told her that i was cutting myself and that i have stopped eating normal amounts of food (and only now have i realised how much weight ive lost, but the scary thing is it just makes me feel more happy than worried) so my auntknows all my secrets and decides to tell her boyreind so next morning he feels he needs a serious chat with me it was so embaressing......then i tild them that i stopped doing it they only saw some of the cuts.......my aunts boyfreind said dont worry we wont tell ya mom as long as you stop it obviously i used the smile and they fell for it.........
My mom and my nan have some suspicions but my nan is more an observer than a talker and if i say i dont want ahything to eat she gets mad and offended that i dont want her cooking so i have to force her meals down but i have managed to dodge going there for a while so thats one less battle to fught.........
My boss sadly worked with anorexics and he picked up on my behavioural patterns and when i would not eat at dinner and he told me a few days later what could happen to me like i could be put away and be sectioned i just have to be a bit more carefull now....i cnat be found out im making myself better i dont need anyone else.......at all
Its come to peoples attention about my problem with food firstly.....When i was drunk on holiday at my aunts (i drank about 8 or 9 red wines and i cant even handle alco-pops) me her and her boyfreind were in the pub and me and my aunt began to speak......granted i was nearly very drunk by the time my mouth began to run off....She said that i had lost weight and i smiled and said thankyou......she looked worried at me and said why do you take me saying you've lost weight as a compliment and i told her that ive been working on my weight............(well to cut a long story short we were chatting then for about two hours in the corner of the oub me red wine after red wine her white wine after white wine)
I basically told her that i was cutting myself and that i have stopped eating normal amounts of food (and only now have i realised how much weight ive lost, but the scary thing is it just makes me feel more happy than worried) so my auntknows all my secrets and decides to tell her boyreind so next morning he feels he needs a serious chat with me it was so embaressing......then i tild them that i stopped doing it they only saw some of the cuts.......my aunts boyfreind said dont worry we wont tell ya mom as long as you stop it obviously i used the smile and they fell for it.........
My mom and my nan have some suspicions but my nan is more an observer than a talker and if i say i dont want ahything to eat she gets mad and offended that i dont want her cooking so i have to force her meals down but i have managed to dodge going there for a while so thats one less battle to fught.........
My boss sadly worked with anorexics and he picked up on my behavioural patterns and when i would not eat at dinner and he told me a few days later what could happen to me like i could be put away and be sectioned i just have to be a bit more carefull now....i cnat be found out im making myself better i dont need anyone else.......at all
Death and the journey
wow i think its like a journey right up high past the clouds..... so fast you cant even think then all the good times flash in your head all at once...............forceing your heart and soul to burst open................. all memorys are reborn all except for the bad times no one needs to be reminded of those........they were painful enough first time round
......Then your previous life slowly gets stripped away......your hair, flesh organs, bones heart and soul untill you are an orb of pure spirit........................... and natural light and then you are reborn into a new life somewhere that will have install for you heartache, pain, loss, envy, resentment, regret, anger, punishment, honesty so blatant it knocks you sick....
but taking all that into concideration remember when your new life ends it wont mater the painful memorys will not follow you...into the next life and then the next life and the next......next........nextA slate wiped clean......a fesh smil every lifetime that beams........(For Jaquilin a veri col girl who inspired this short poem) Thank you Jaq xx
......Then your previous life slowly gets stripped away......your hair, flesh organs, bones heart and soul untill you are an orb of pure spirit........................... and natural light and then you are reborn into a new life somewhere that will have install for you heartache, pain, loss, envy, resentment, regret, anger, punishment, honesty so blatant it knocks you sick....
but taking all that into concideration remember when your new life ends it wont mater the painful memorys will not follow you...into the next life and then the next life and the next......next........nextA slate wiped clean......a fesh smil every lifetime that beams........(For Jaquilin a veri col girl who inspired this short poem) Thank you Jaq xx
Oh wow realisation
I like where things are going.
I like the air im breathing.
I like the things im touching.
I like the tastes im savouring.
I like the sounds im hearing.
I like the things im seeing.
I like the people i know.
I like what i could turn out to be.
I dont understand what i am emotionally.
I now understand thats forever me.
By Carl James
I like the air im breathing.
I like the things im touching.
I like the tastes im savouring.
I like the sounds im hearing.
I like the things im seeing.
I like the people i know.
I like what i could turn out to be.
I dont understand what i am emotionally.
I now understand thats forever me.
By Carl James
I dont no where im going (he aint the same no more)
Some days im full of energy and strength....but when it comes to the days when i dont have any of that what so eva i get scared because im two words away from giving up. I know it sounds dramatic but its true......I get so tierd with fighting aginst this big problem with food that i dont even get scared about what could happen to me.....Things like my cats and mom and my nan and work are the things stopping me from bursting over the edge.....but the things i just mentioned at least 3 of them arent strong enough to stop me im not judgeing those 3 things but its the way it is......
i know peeps go through a hell of alot more shit than me....but obviously im a weak person im litteraly happy for aprox a few hours and then ill stay still for a few seconds too long or think about something to deep by accident and then its too late....im gone....i feel the weakness i have inside it takes over and covers me like a bed quilt made of stone...i cant get over the feeling i have inside i feel when my stomachs empty and i feel light and compareing it to the feeling i have when i eat.....its so much effort..... i hate it i get so angry....scarily angry sometimes....
Theres one person at the mo who is there and im scared also that im not going to be able to give them the results that we are going to work with....I hate negative attention......im scared easy........thats the whole scary part i tried to see a few months ago if i was doing it for some form of attention and no i did whateva i could to keep it secret.....and i no everything that could happen to me.....why hasnt it scared me......basicly im on the verge of happines and self destruction and the feelings i have now is i dont care which one i fall upon, im not sure where i going...
Plus the person who knows about my food problems isnt who i origanally thought...his whole personality and evrything has been lies i feel...Ive been told things that arent nice about this person and although they are nice to me im worried that the only reason he is helping me is to get something in return and i cant handle that i know i wouldnt be able to handle that
i know peeps go through a hell of alot more shit than me....but obviously im a weak person im litteraly happy for aprox a few hours and then ill stay still for a few seconds too long or think about something to deep by accident and then its too late....im gone....i feel the weakness i have inside it takes over and covers me like a bed quilt made of stone...i cant get over the feeling i have inside i feel when my stomachs empty and i feel light and compareing it to the feeling i have when i eat.....its so much effort..... i hate it i get so angry....scarily angry sometimes....
Theres one person at the mo who is there and im scared also that im not going to be able to give them the results that we are going to work with....I hate negative attention......im scared easy........thats the whole scary part i tried to see a few months ago if i was doing it for some form of attention and no i did whateva i could to keep it secret.....and i no everything that could happen to me.....why hasnt it scared me......basicly im on the verge of happines and self destruction and the feelings i have now is i dont care which one i fall upon, im not sure where i going...
Plus the person who knows about my food problems isnt who i origanally thought...his whole personality and evrything has been lies i feel...Ive been told things that arent nice about this person and although they are nice to me im worried that the only reason he is helping me is to get something in return and i cant handle that i know i wouldnt be able to handle that
Wow art to match my heart
i found an art image that describes my life i dont want to get all deep but here it is my life in a simple drawing......
Its random just total random and thats my life i cant complain its not a bad thing i mean its not a good thing its just a thing....And i like things they are just there, take them leave them egnore them, change them, develop them....wateva its your life except it (lol....look at me so confident and so positive)Heres another pic representing my heart and soul (and yet agen im not being dramatic just honest and open....
A bit of a positive thought for a change
Well as you may have noticed my blogs arent the cheeriest and im going to change that because i do have some good things going on....lmao.....This is my book im working on its called, Genreless......The contents of my book so far is:
1: My unparalleled creations so forget grammar and punctuation
2: I feel affection for you
3: Two poor souls
4: Broken Leash
5: The runaway testicles
6: Crappy Holiday
7: Differnt Dimensional,definitely impossible, unreacable,Desperately wanted dream
8: A true and happy marriage
9: What?
10: A perfect example of teenage infatuation
11: Atmospheric oddity
12: Tiny useless bread
13: Fefe Muse
14: Fighter plane slips away
15: Unblemished truth
16: Celeb=Fame+me
17: Besotted
18: Feminine purity, soiled stream
19: The wrath of the dentist
The adult section(contains adult imagery and adult language)
20: The Perfect lover (oh brother)
21: Spot to spot
22: Elemental workings of the cry-'max' cue
23: Breathe
24: The taste of cold flesh flooding
25: Restless nights
26: Leather, adultry and boy toys
27: You dirty slag
So these are my poems so far what do you think of the titles...P.s i have a meal in ten mins....Its Chesse burger and bacon with homemade chips and pizza and its not bothering me....I mean ive been on abit of a 2 day binge so im a bit worried but i dont feel scared just aprehensive.......
1: My unparalleled creations so forget grammar and punctuation
2: I feel affection for you
3: Two poor souls
4: Broken Leash
5: The runaway testicles
6: Crappy Holiday
7: Differnt Dimensional,definitely impossible, unreacable,Desperately wanted dream
8: A true and happy marriage
9: What?
10: A perfect example of teenage infatuation
11: Atmospheric oddity
12: Tiny useless bread
13: Fefe Muse
14: Fighter plane slips away
15: Unblemished truth
16: Celeb=Fame+me
17: Besotted
18: Feminine purity, soiled stream
19: The wrath of the dentist
The adult section(contains adult imagery and adult language)
20: The Perfect lover (oh brother)
21: Spot to spot
22: Elemental workings of the cry-'max' cue
23: Breathe
24: The taste of cold flesh flooding
25: Restless nights
26: Leather, adultry and boy toys
27: You dirty slag
So these are my poems so far what do you think of the titles...P.s i have a meal in ten mins....Its Chesse burger and bacon with homemade chips and pizza and its not bothering me....I mean ive been on abit of a 2 day binge so im a bit worried but i dont feel scared just aprehensive.......
Potential Confidante
There is this guy called steven i have known him a month he is mates with my boss.....And he always had something about him that made him a decent person......He was talkative and funny and always involved me in convo's with his mates and that....
.And he has caught drift of my little problem with food and we were sitting on the bottom bunk of my bunk bed and we were chatting for ages and wen we got onto the topic of food....he asked me lots of questions and took a real genuine intrest and looked like he cared...
I so wanted to explain how i feel i spoke to him about a few things but i didnt tell him how i totali felt and i regret it so much......i reali feel like i could trust him and i know its probably my imagineation running away with me but im sure that he sort of likes me or has some form of feelings for me even if it is freinds but he is just so nice.......
Steven is just so lovely i mean i want to be around him all time....i hope he likes me even if it is as a freind....I could see him being the one to pull me away from my strange eating habbits.....Plus today had an argument with my mom.....and i saw myself cutting myself tonight i had blade ready and everything cuz i knew if i cut myself i wont eat anything but i had to phone my mom and we had a good chat and i cheerd up but still i hate myself because today i went on a binge and i couldnt stop although i was drinking water it didnt help........
.And he has caught drift of my little problem with food and we were sitting on the bottom bunk of my bunk bed and we were chatting for ages and wen we got onto the topic of food....he asked me lots of questions and took a real genuine intrest and looked like he cared...
I so wanted to explain how i feel i spoke to him about a few things but i didnt tell him how i totali felt and i regret it so much......i reali feel like i could trust him and i know its probably my imagineation running away with me but im sure that he sort of likes me or has some form of feelings for me even if it is freinds but he is just so nice.......
Steven is just so lovely i mean i want to be around him all time....i hope he likes me even if it is as a freind....I could see him being the one to pull me away from my strange eating habbits.....Plus today had an argument with my mom.....and i saw myself cutting myself tonight i had blade ready and everything cuz i knew if i cut myself i wont eat anything but i had to phone my mom and we had a good chat and i cheerd up but still i hate myself because today i went on a binge and i couldnt stop although i was drinking water it didnt help........
Im weak and water helps
I was doing well not eating scince my mistake and total memory loss but the smell of the the chicken in the house was bothering me for hours......I faught it up untill about 5 mins ago......i went inot the kitchen got a paer plate out and got 2 chicken legs a plain sausage, a plan sausage wrapped in bacon, nine chunks of cruchie and cadbury chocolate.......and a Gold chocolate bar........i feel like shit i hate the feeling of wen i eat........I drink water and water and then more water because it bloats me up but my throat dont feel all messy and my stomach dont feel massive and i feel tierd wen i eat i mean its somuch effort to eat something beause of all the stareing i do at the food and all the shaking my legs do and all the mental termoil as well is so much to deal with and the lies and fakness i mean im not the best at all that........Its just getting me down now im weak and cant stay away from food....there has to be a way from staying away from food.......i wish someone could help me think straight.....Its the same as wel another thing i have tried as well as drinking water is sorting food out like chocolate or things in fridges or cuboards because i found out tha by sorting themit throws me off the sent of wanting them...........
Thoughts changed and disintergrated
Now this guy not the same one in my blog entry 'Eyes so deep they scare and excite me''....well this guy at first i thought he was cute and funny and nout wrong with him even when peeps said he was annoying, rude a scrounger, thick, fake, over the top....i said no no he is so cool but lol was i proven wrong he is all of those things plus A show off, sucks up to people, acts differnt around differnt people......i mean he is just a horrible person....he annoys you on purpose he is up him self totali omg he would love marry and shag himself if he could..............................................I hate him
Stupidity
Stupidity.....It runs through me
Stupidity.....It can consume me.....on occasionsMake me say or make me do things that arent quite right......
Like for an example tonight i couldnt even make a cup of coffe right.....
Also i find this one thing hard to get right do you wana no wat the thing is...
well its life.....
I mean stupidity its like clingy swimming shorts.......Annoying as fuck........
Stupidity.....It can consume me.....on occasionsMake me say or make me do things that arent quite right......
Like for an example tonight i couldnt even make a cup of coffe right.....
Also i find this one thing hard to get right do you wana no wat the thing is...
well its life.....
I mean stupidity its like clingy swimming shorts.......Annoying as fuck........
Eyes so deep they scare and excite me
So i did it again i ate another meal......i had no bloody choice but i ate it im so angry and i hate myself again......But i have like fell for a guy he is straight my fucking luck....He is the typical bad boy straight but use's the phrase any holes a goal.....Romantic as that sounds i reali didnt wana become a goal but i did.....typical me im such a twat ive never been with a guy before i no im 17 but ive been to scared in the past....We fooled around twice and i have fell for him i knew the rules but i still fell for him....He has these eyes that are so deep they scare me and excite me......And he has become aparant of my little problem with food and has been picking up on the things i do to avoid eating....But today he said something that knocked me sick and left me feeling even more than alone.......Well i just finishing wat i could of the meal and left some i wrapped up the chippy tray with the paper and just went to walk out the room and one of the other guys said 'lets see ya leftovers'.......i said i that i left a few chips and walked out the room laughing i was in a good mood so thought no finish the chips show the world....lmao......Then the straight guy i fancy and fooled with came in the kitchen looked at me and walked over to get a glass out the cupboard and i said 'Look see im eating them all now'....and i did a little laugh. and he said 'like i care anyway'....I dont no if you understand why i am upset....But i mean the first person i have fell for and ever been intimate with turns to me and basicaly says i dont care if ya eat or not and it just sort of reali upsets me....I wish it didnt but it does.........I would love it if he cared and said 'go on then ya need to eat it anyway' or summet like 'cool cool eat up' but no he didnt....
My alter ego Cassie from skins
Now this following text is a charecter blog from cassie from a uk teen drama skins i have been battleing with food for about a year now but soon as u saw her it gave me strength.....Im just too weak minded at the moment to truly and permenantly stay off food .....I hate myself for eating i reali do....So this is who i want to be and who i need to be around xxxxxxxxx
Hello.
My name is Cassie and I am sixteen
I collect love heart sweets: you can change the messages if you scratch them, you just need a pin. I like foreign packaging on snack foods. And Japanese toys. When I was little I used to make sculptures out of my mashed potato, like, a snowman with peas for eyes. I don’t think I’ve grown up. I think some biscuits are like lego blocks. Rich teas have to be stacked in fours. I like symmetry.
I like holding my baby brother, Reuben. He has this way of looking at me and I know he understands exactly what’s going on. He’s a baby genius. A chubby baby genius. I reckon Reuben will be very successful when he grows up. Possibly even Prime Minister. And he’ll have a really gorgeous Scandanavian wife. And I’ll be jealous of their children because they’ll be bilingual.
My husband will be.... Well, I don’t know what he’ll be but I bet he’ll wear glasses. Even in the shower. And instead of children we’ll have cats. And our cats will play with Michelle’s children, who will have ringlets and rosy cheeks and really, really shiny shoes.
Hello.
My name is Cassie and I am sixteen
I collect love heart sweets: you can change the messages if you scratch them, you just need a pin. I like foreign packaging on snack foods. And Japanese toys. When I was little I used to make sculptures out of my mashed potato, like, a snowman with peas for eyes. I don’t think I’ve grown up. I think some biscuits are like lego blocks. Rich teas have to be stacked in fours. I like symmetry.
I like holding my baby brother, Reuben. He has this way of looking at me and I know he understands exactly what’s going on. He’s a baby genius. A chubby baby genius. I reckon Reuben will be very successful when he grows up. Possibly even Prime Minister. And he’ll have a really gorgeous Scandanavian wife. And I’ll be jealous of their children because they’ll be bilingual.
My husband will be.... Well, I don’t know what he’ll be but I bet he’ll wear glasses. Even in the shower. And instead of children we’ll have cats. And our cats will play with Michelle’s children, who will have ringlets and rosy cheeks and really, really shiny shoes.
Idid it but i regret it
I ate the meal i ate it all except from the mash potato the toad in the hole was massive i mean humungous. Before the meal i was so excited about eating it but as soon as i sat down to eat it i was miserable and had to force evri mouthfull and i was so sad because the meal was lovely and i was so happi be4 i sat down to eat it......By the end i was full of anger i wanted to get my blades and cut my arm to get the anger away i knew i couldnt make myself sick too many people were watching me......Before i thought i was just dramatic but now i know im ill......
Food glorious food
So ive been having a problem with food...not that im eating to much its that i dont want to eat...im not saying im anorexic but somethings wrong...i dont eat and i feel weak but happy i love to feel like my stomach is empty and i get mad at myself when i eat...Im just so confused. I want to be normal...whatever normal is and im not improving i reali dont no wat 2 do....
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)