It's Monday 7th January 2008. I havent wrote to my blog in a while because i dont no i mean when i come on here im honest very honest and i dont think i handle honesty as well as i should but im forceing myself because i love doing my blogs on here. Its the little part of my life that i have control over and no one can tell me if im right or wrong.
Im taking a stand im making my life go the way i want it to and most importantly the way i need it to. Because when i say im going over the edge i mean it i am and i dont think i can last much longer. If i dont get out of birmingham i can see myself starving and punishing myself untill i die and that is no exaggeration. I woul rather die than carry on with my life the way it is. Im getting more angry by the day and i need to sort it. Im saving money and am hoping to have around 1000 pounds before the date i want to be leaving. My mom seems supportive but im not sure if she cares enough or thinks that im actually going to leave i would love to tell her whats going to happen to me if i dont end up leaving birmingham.
My nan really is the same i cant be sure if she cares enough i know they do care because they would do anything for me. I just hope they are taking me serious. It will all come down to my aunt and her partner i will need to ask them if i can come and stay with them for a while approx 2-6 weeks just enough time for me to get a job or a training course and a place to live i know it sounds alot to get sorted in that amount of time i have. But im serious about i need and i so desperately want it. I feel like crying whilst writing this because i dont want to imagine my life in a few months not in Lincoln i feel angry well worse than anger just thinking about it. Well im going to stop talking about this now because im getting upset and that horrible feeling in my stomach is back...
The eating thing im not sure what is going on i starved myself the other week only like 24 hours and a bit without anything in my systm and when i woke up on the morning after ive starved myself i felt dizzy light and faint and i couldnt focous but i was so happy and proud of myself for not eating i mean what an accomplishment. But then the weakness got a bit to much so i had one mini donought then as the story goes oce i ha one i couldnt stop so i binged on loads of chocoaltes and loads of fucking things full of bloody sugar. But i have the doctors this week so ive been eating and eating as to look heavy and fat for when i go there then ill jus starve myself a few days afterwards... On my bebo a girl added me as a friend and she has anorexia and in her blog there is Tips to help loose weight and they seem quite simple to stick to here they are....
♥DON'T starve down before the meal, your body will just store even more fat from the meal.
♥Exercise insanely leading up to, before and after, your body will carry on burning calories even after youv'e stopped exercising.
♥Complain about feeling "under the weather" a few days before so no one will be suprised if you dont eat alot, becasue you feel ill.
♥Drink lots of water through the meal, it distracts people, it looks like your involved in the meal rather than being the only one not doing anything, and it feels you up and stops temptation.
♥Make a constant effort to be upbeat, involved in the conversation, it stops everyone looking at you.
♥Make sure you set yourself a limit before you sit down i.e you WILL only eat, 4 forks of mash patatoes, 4 carrots etc. but make sure its spaced out dont eat it all straight away other wise you'll be left doing nothing
♥Don't eat dessert
♥Exercise straight after
♥Immediate fast for at least a week after
♥Wear a baggy top, it will make you feel less uncomftable, less hopleess, and less on show.Sometimes things just cant be avoided, keep up the good work and just dont take it so badly.
I know its bad to think that what she did is good and i dont. I just think she has given me some tips that are really going to help me out...And ecspecially if i dont get pout of birmingham.And this isnt an empty threat because im not telling anyone what i am going to do if it doesnt happen..it can be a surprise x
Well i was going to do this blog with another section like with blogs i have done on my bebo page but im going to do a seperate blog because it will be a sort of long entry so this entry is over. Bye x
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