Before i blabber on about me theres some sad news to report...Heath Ledger the man in the photo to your right was found dead in his Manhattan apartment early this morning. He was a hollywood actor and a very good one at that...I have seen him in A nights tale and Broke back mountain although he has been in many more..... its so sad to think that he is such a talented actor and he is now dead....his family say it wasant suicide but no one knows yet it only happend a few hours ago...But i just wanted to pay my respects and say Heath Ledger (R.I.P)......
But now on to me.....Well ive started up this mini blog sort of thing on my bebo...Because when i write on this blog i write lots and sometimes i just want to write a quik angry paragraph...so here they are the blogs ive done on bebo...So people dont hink its me incase they read them (but obviously no one reads them except for my annoying boss)
Ive called them The story of Cameron Lee.....so people will think its a story...im so clever (lol.i wish) This first installment of the Story of Cameron Lee is called....Im Not Moving On (The story of Cameron Lee by Carl James)
Its 2:21 in the morning and i had a real bad night tonight i cant go ino it as this is bebo and i have to be careful what i write as many people no me in real life and i cant have them knowing what is going on....yeah friends are friends but boundries are boundries...
At the moment im in pain inside and out i have to much confusion and thoughts inside me....RIGHTS........WRONGS.............. ...MAYBEY'S.................AND A WHOLE OTHER PILE OF CRAP THAT IM NOT EVEN GOING TO ATTEMPT TO UNDERSTAND OR CLARIFY...
I thought at first that possibly i may have been doing it for attention (i dont like attention in that way but i coulnt think why and how come) well ive litterally been fighting with this for about 2 years could be over could be under im not sure...and if anything im further in now and more confused than ever and im even going to more drastic measures as well.... i mean ive gone on the websites and chat rooms and seen pics but it dont scare me i mean it shits me up...but the scary thing is althouh i know the devestating effects of anorexia and bullimaia and wateva elses food problems i have, Im not put off by what im doing like today for instance i was in my second day of not eating i was doing so well and i mean real well all i had was water and 3 quality street chocs to keep me standing...... i was so happy proud of my self........
I was dizzy and weak and felt do light and and free....but then it happend i gave in i looked in the cupboard of chocolates shouted in my head No,....but ...i just couldnt stop i had one but that werent enough so i ate 8 chocolate bars and a cake....i hated my self for it all that work and what did i do...But i thought thats ok no worries i wont ea dinner but then lost my bottle and couldnt think of an excuse so i sat there ate it thinking i was being watched and the only time i wasnt being watched i ate it...but i coldnt finish my meal i tried so id look like a normal person but i just couldnt.
So i was that mad i went down to the kitchen and necked back 2 pints of water filled my glass up again and went to my room...sat oon my bed took out my bag took out my blades and.....................well i think ya no wat happend...
Now the second one is called: You dont understand (The story of Cameron Lee By Carl James)
People dont understand what im doing they think they no best and that im being silly no i fuking aint being silly. I can do what i want and i dont need you ontroling me if i say i dont want to eat i mean.....I DONT WANT TO EAT.....Theres no if's or but's about it ya can force me but i will hate you for it forever......And now that certain people have been forceing me to eat or getting mad at me for not eating ive ate havent i .... and then i gorged and binged and now i cant stop but now no fucking more im not touching a single chocolate bar, sweet, crisp or anything that has loads of fat in it ya no im going to try and eat at least 2-3 meals a week and then ill be happy thats all im asking why s that so hard for people to understand its my body my mind and i should have control over it......Not anyone else they have no right they may say they care about me or they want me to be happy and eat.....well so what ill be happy when i eat as little as possible..........and thats that......(a random rant of anger and desperation by unacclaimed and unnoticed writer Carl James)
So thats it so far theres bound to be more im an angry sort of person...I have my friends comming round saturday and im sort of not in the mood. I really am not wanting to eat and i was doing so well but my boss cant just leave me alone always pushing food infront of me then i eat it then im moody and my day is ruined and when i dont eat it he gets in a strop with me and my days ruined..The only reason i stop at work all the time is because its a better enviroment to be in as theres more people than just me sat in my room at home going to bed at 6 o clock at night and feeling depressed...also if i wasnat so scared of travelling every night back and forth through my area i would be home every night but after the mugging im shit scared worse than i have ever been i cant handle it....when i say i want to die im not messing around if i had the bravery to do it i would but if i dont get out of brum in the next 3 months then im going to do it im going to kill myself...i dont no how or if im going to starve myself till i die im not sure but im not living on in brum anymore,...I would quite happily not eat except for like twice a week but fucking my boss dont like it for some reason i mean i aint gonna starve ma self or let it effect ma work im just not going to eat as often as i used to...
well im so angry i mean furious i didnt want to fucking eat no i didnt but i did same usual me i cant even be good at having an eating disorder god damn it im such a twat....ive got application forms to do letterd to write and i aint done a single thing im such a twat how do i expect things to change if i dont chane them myself....
p.s i hate daryl.......
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