All about Moi

It’s Thursday 13th March and I’m writing this Blog entry for either my Blogger Blog or my Bebo Blog (wow alliteration) as I don’t have internet access at the moment im doing my Blog’s now so I can just add them at a later date. lol. The way I babble on I may have a novels worth to paste on to my Blog’s. But yeah yesterday my Best eva friend in the world Basra came to my house yesterday and we had a pic fest because as im leaving Birmingham in 22 days im not sure if and when we are going to see each other again. It saddens me, as we have had to come up against many events that have stopped us seeing each other for ages. And I mean it was like months even a year at one point but I swear that we are destined to be friends. Its 19:23 at this precise moment im sitting on the floor at the far end of my room listening to a whole range of Regina Spektor’s music. She’s so fascinating her voice and writing and music I mean it’s so beautiful to listen to and I feel lucky that I came across her as her music blows my mind.

Im excited and shit scared about moving because I know that im getting away from Birmingham but I don’t know what is going to happen or where ill end up I mean wow man I’m just so nervous about anything nowadays. And to add to that im to scared to go out on my own so im housebound until I leave I hate feeling so scared all the time. I feel like a right baby I just have this fear in me that if I go out on my own something bad is going to happen to me. I hate myself most days as in I hate my personality and my looks. My looks are a very controversial matter when it comes to my family and me especially my mom. She sees how much I hate myself and it upsets her she says I am “a great looking lad” but moms are meant to say that. When I have my low moments my head is full of thoughts about what I would like to change I mean I hope I am not the only one but I hate myself so much especially my looks that’s probably where the food problem came from.

I look at myself and I think of what I would love to be like I compare myself to others like all the time, and it don’t make me feel any better actually I feel 10x worse but I still do it anyway. Looks wise I would change my hair id want a lovely chocolate brown colour thick and full and shiny. I would want my skin to have a natural glowy healthy tone with NO SPOTS. I would like to be slightly taller like 6ft or 6ft5 and id like to be a bit broader with Muscles (definition not horrible muscles). Perfect teeth would be a must have and defo a Smaller nose. Without sounding dramatic or stupid I would want to change every inch of my body so I wont go on any further but yes I so want to totali change my appearance. I know I am totali selfish because there’s millions of people out there who have been in accidents or have a disability that would love to just worry about spots so I understand im a selfish person and I hate myself for it.

Personality wise I would want a major change to occur. I see myself as a depressive freak that has played and been the victim all his life. I would love to have the fucking balls to ware the clothes that I want and not care about what people care for example I would love to ware skinny jeans but I haven’t got the bravery to. I am mad about scarves and I want to ware real weird ones but as usual im worried about what other people will think. If I could choose my personality to be anyway I want I would like to be just like Effy from skins and Cassie from skins. Cassie who is my fav eva is kooky unusual and she has a bravery and charm about her and that’s what I want to be. I want to be different and quirky. Effy on the other hand although Cassie is mysterious in her own way Effy is mystery through and through. She speaks a thousand words with one of her glances she’s so alluring and although she hardly speaks ever she’s such an interesting person and that’s what I want to be like. I know I wouldn’t be the most sociable but Effy is so held together and so confident and I would love to be like that so maybe guys would finally be interested in me because I know myself that im no where near a 10 out of 10 when it comes to looks, personality, coolness well ya no me im depressive about every aspect of moi. Lol.

But im going to a new town a new place who knows whats install… xx