So it’s Tuesday11th March 2008 six days since my 18th birthday. It wasn’t the best to be honest but my aunt came down to Birmingham so that was nice she came down on the Wednesday and went back the day after that’s a lot of travelling to do in 24 hours. I’m writing this on my laptop so I can then copy and paste it on to my Bebo page, as I haven’t been on Bebo properly for ages but soon as April 7th comes along ill be in my new home of Louth and away from Birmingham so ill be able to update Bebo all the time (fingers crossed). Yes thanks to my aunt and her long-term (I think) boyfriend who is really cool I am getting a lifeline (and when I say life line I mean it is an actual life line) I am going to build a new life for myself in Louth and be happy I hope or I pray. I’m not religious as such but I have had great comfort that there is someone up there listening to me and giving me the strength to go on and stopping me from doing something stupid, On a number of occasions.
Anyway I have had some defo shit luck and I mean it’s crippled me emotionally, physically, and mentally, financially and I really could have gone over the edge even further than I have done. But not everyone has an easy life and compared to thousands even millions I cant and shouldn’t even complain about my life. I mean I have also realised that me personally I don’t know about you (even though I don’t think anyone’s reading this but that’s ok its like a diary but if anyone comments on it its just a bonus) I have noticed that I can have a certain amount of problems but when something else comes along that’s negative the previous problem takes a sideline or a backseat. It doesn’t disappear I mean I’m not that fucking lucky but its not as a apparent to me. Like I have had a lot of issues with eating and I mean I was doing some really stupid stuff. My problem with food started shortly after I left year 11 and I mean that’s 2-3 years of mental torture and its restricted me socially and emotionally but since all these other problems came along such as the situations I have been in and the horrible and I mean seedy low life people I have met I have wised up and although I think about food nearly all of the time and hate it most days I’m eating I just hope to get away from it completely. But im looking t the future and I want in it total
Positive-ness (wow I didn’t think positive ness was a word, wow im learning new things every day) But yeah its going to be a new me xx that people want to know because im positive happy and proud of who I am.
But I am literally praying to god that my luck will be better and more positive, not just for me but for my family who has had to put up with it as well. I’m not asking for oodles of money or to get everything I want I just want to get by in life without any major negativity as I know there’s ups and downs in life and I think I am finally and hopefully learning to go with the flow. But I’m scared that if anything else goes wrong I wont be able to go with the flow and that I might end up drowning and going into total melt down. But I saw a section on Richard and Judy that really showed me a burst of reality it was all about these teenage suicides in whales (I think it was in whales) and I feel ripped apart inside because if only they had someone to talk to or if only they knew there was a way out. But obviously I have no right to even try and comment on there situations as no one knows what was going on behind the scenes of there lives weather it was in there head or feelings or even what was going on in the home or school that no one knows about. I mean you have to be brave to kill your self I don’t care what anyone says suicide is not the easy option and its not the easy way out.
But leaving Birmingham is going to be slightly sad as im leaving behind my Mom (who although we argue constantly and prob have more hatred for each other than like most days I’m going to miss like hell. Also my two girls Momma and Molly-Moo who I’m doing a special Bebo photo album for there my life the most positive and honest things in my life ever although momma rips the shit out of me and Molly-Moo wakes me up at horrible times in the morning, but I honestly wouldn’t have it any other way there my wow Huns and I love them so much. Also not forgetting my Nan who I swear is so cool she helps me even if it puts her self in trouble and I mean im so glad she is my Nan and I’m so lucky and im really sad that im leaving her. When it comes to friends I haven’t got that many to miss to be honest but the ones I will miss I will miss so much.
Well there is this girl and she is the most important friend to me in the whole world. She is accepting, loving, beautiful and one of the most trust worthy friends in existence, and she can have one hell of an argument. Her name is Basra Ahmed. Basra has helped and seen me through more than enough dramas, tragedies, and our fare share of arguments. We have been friends for six years so that makes her my longest proper friends. Our friendship isn’t the easiest due to our very different cultural and religious backgrounds but we have fought society and although we don’t see much of each other we have the strongest bond and we have serious plans for the future.
Also other friends I will miss are Laura ive known about 18 months it could be longer we have had a bumpy friendship full of ups and downs but I hope with all my heart that we continue to be friends and that she comes up and sees me in Louth. Laura is so clever but has her blonde moments, which are so funny she has helped me so much thanks Laura. Also Denise we also have a weird friendship…
(Actually I have a weird friendship with everyone, as I don’t go out since the mugging so I don’t get to see much of my friends. But I love them all in totali different ways and wish to continue growing bonds with them and although im moving 4 hours away from Birmingham it wont make that much of a difference as I don’t see any of them anyway.)
But yeah me and Denise have known each other nearly a year and she is totali cool she has a busy life so its rare we see each other or talk but she always makes an effort t call me and when I have money for credit I always drop her a text to let her know im thinking of her. Also finally Leanne is so cool ive known her the least amount of time but I so feel like I know her she’s so genuine and she has a nick name ‘Ma sister from another Mister’. She’s funny up for a laugh and also has a serious side she’s got everything.
But ive rambled on long enough in this Blog its just basically about new beginnings and fresh starts and parts of my past that I want to bring with me. I didn’t feel like talking about the people I want to forget because basically they aint worth it and I don’t want to see them ever again and I hope they enjoy there seedy lives. Enjoy your rut people. But thank you so much to my Mom, Nan, Aunt, Simon, Basra, Laura, Denise, Leanne. You have all helped me in your onw ways no matter how small or how big you helped me. You helped me survive and im not sure if theres a god per say but I know there someone or something up there that’s giving me the strength. Also thanks to my Momma and Molly- Moo who although you cant talk understand me better than anyone x mhaw x
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