Me Food and that Mirror

Now it’s Wednesday 12th March 2008 and this Blog entry is for Bebo and Blogger and this Blog entry is very important to me. I am going to write about something now but its not to boast and its in no way a cry for attention as im quite alright now ive helped myself and I have had certain peoples help which im so grateful for. Im writing this simply because I need it to be said and I feel it needs to be said and this Bebo page and my Blogger is all me but on the internet and I want and need to talk about the darkest parts of my personal life in order to grow and develop and evidentially be happy. An if you read this then just look at it as pure honesty that isn’t sugar-coated or extended I would use the names of all the people involved but its not fair on them so ill say things like ‘he said or she seemed’ I may be a bitch lol and use certain names.

I’ve been going through a problem which I haven’t hid at all from my Bebo page some people have noticed others haven’t I don’t mind really because I didn’t do it to make a point I did it as I really didn’t care what people thought of me. Im me sadly but im working on being happy (wow it rhymes I know crap rhyme but still it rhymes lol)

Now I want to talk about my 2-3 years with an eating problem I mean I would love to give it a title but I cant I didn’t get a medical examination and as ive looked on pro ana sites and compared them to support sites I am unsure what I am or what I was I should say as I think or im hoping my food problems have gone away to the extent that im only worrying and thinking about my weight im not actually physically doing anything to enable Weight loss: Here is the BMI scale:

Emaciated = UNDER 15 BMI Anorexic = Under 17.5 BMI Underweight = Under 19 BMI Normal = 19 - 24 BMI Overweight = 25 - 29 BMI Obese = +29 BMI

My BMI from what I know is 21-21.5 so I am normal weight and I worked out that if I wanted my BMI to be under 19 I would need to be 8 stone or just under. At my lowest points that’s what I was praying to be I did a “good job” in the first few months as I went down from over 11 stone to just below 10 but sadly I started putting it back on (I know I am contradicting myself by saying ‘sadly I put the weight back on’ I just mean if I didn’t put it back on id be ok and wouldn’t of worried but I swear I was making myself sick, starving etc I wanted to loose weight and I was going to make sure that I did). I always thought about my triggers (as in what would cause me to start purging or starving or even binging) and for me it was things like if I wanted to diet I would but instead of sensibly cutting down on unhealthy foods I would cut out food altogether I wouldn’t eat for 1-2 days (sometimes up to 4 days) at the end of my fasts however many days they were I would binge until I was on the borderline of throwing up.

Speaking of throwing up on Monday 24th December 2007 I wrote a Blog entry on my Blogger site called “Since I did it I have felt 2 kinds of pain” and it was about the first time I actually made myself sick. Here’s what it said.


“When I made myself sick for the first time I felt happy and powerful I loved the control I had over myself. Although I gave into the temptation of eating I sure made up for it and brought it back up…but the day after I felt nasty and horrible and my throat was so painful. It still is quite sore but I have a plan there’s no way I can get out of my xmas dinner so I will eat up till then, then after xmas dinner I will stick to my goal. I just hope the temptation wont get me like it has so may times.”

So I wrote this the day before xmas about when I made myself sick a few days before the 24th but I also said in the Blog entry that I loved the feeling of control. I mean I know that sounds like a typical anorexic thing to say but I did I loved the feeling of power I had. I said at the end of that entry that after xmas dinner I would not give into temptation. The thing is I did I ate and ate but also I started to make my self sick a few times a week as I new the dangers and life threatening damages that could come from purging I was very weary.

But this brings me back to my triggers. If I hadn’t been eating for a few days and I was happy that I have resisted the temptation if I was forced to eat I wouldn’t just make myself sick I would cut the top of my left arm until I felt that id bled enough. As I was always at my old job id make an excuse to go out as it was always at night or I would take the dog for a walk and id get my toothbrush or a pen and id leave the house and as I was getting closer to the spot where I would make myself sick I would feel excited and I couldn’t wait to bring up the food that I had no choice but to eat. Sometimes it would take a while for the sick to come up so id have to really shove the toothbrush to the back of my throat (which would really hurt but I didn’t care). Some nights it would take me ages to throw up so there I would be walking across a big field in the dark heaving and choking until finally the sick came up.

Although I no longer want to make myself sick or starve myself I can safely say that the biggest natural high I have ever felt is the feeling after not eating for about 3 or more days. You feel faint, dizzy and so light. I felt so happy and light headed every time I went without food for a few days I loved it. But the point is im better now and as im being given a chance of a new life and I want to take it I cant deny that the temptation to slip back into my old ways with food is there but I am ignoring it as its no where near a nice place to be in. On a number of occasions I really needed to talk to my mom and soon as I would mention food in a negative way she wouldn’t let me talk she would get mad and start firing questions at me and she kept saying and shouting that people who make them selves sick or starve themselves are stupid and then by the time she had finished having a moan I was to angry and upset to confide in her. I swear her and me would be closer if she learnt to shut up and listen when I speak.

Now im not proud of what im about to write now but it just shows how bad I actually got. I didn’t realise that Bebo had so many eating disorder groups so I joined a few of them which lead to me getting a lot more tips such as hiding what I was doing and how to make what im doing a lot more effective as in speeding up weight loss. After a while I got talking to a lot of people on Bebo that had eating disorders and the ages ranged from 14 upwards to people in mid twenties. I saw a lot of pictures of individuals with an eating disorder and I felt Jealous that they were more successful than me when it came to loosing weight or giving into temptation. So get this I was jealous that people were basically killing themselves faster than I was and it was at that point that I realised that I had gone past being picky with food to a full blown problem and its only because I had to leave that job I was in which I will talk about in later Blog’s. That’s when I went total loopy and the thing is I knew it was serious I stopped confiding in Denise who had known previous to me getting as bad as I did. Denise was one of the first people I told besides from my Aunty when I was drunk (lol) about my eating problems but I told her in the middle when I wasn’t sure what was happening. Its not that I didn’t trust her but I mean it was my problem and I had and have no right to put any big problems such as that on anyone let alone a teenager who most likely has a sit load of there own problems.

Before I finish this Blog entry in the bathroom of my old job ya no in ‘that house’ there was a bathroom that had one whole side of the wall covered in mirror tiles and it made this humungous mirror and when I felt low as shit as I did everyday so I would stand in front of the wall of mirror tiles and I would position myself in the grooves where each tile was slotted together and I realised that when I stood at a certain angle it would half the width of me and I looked so thin and skinny and I would stand there most nights just standing there for ages until I got so upset I would fall to my knees and try not to let anyone here me cry because I saw what I wanted to look like and I realised that I was no where near that thin it was disturbing but im away from all of that shit now.

Anyway that’s it for this entry I could babble on forever but I wont lol.