Some days im full of energy and strength....but when it comes to the days when i dont have any of that what so eva i get scared because im two words away from giving up. I know it sounds dramatic but its true......I get so tierd with fighting aginst this big problem with food that i dont even get scared about what could happen to me.....Things like my cats and mom and my nan and work are the things stopping me from bursting over the edge.....but the things i just mentioned at least 3 of them arent strong enough to stop me im not judgeing those 3 things but its the way it is......
i know peeps go through a hell of alot more shit than me....but obviously im a weak person im litteraly happy for aprox a few hours and then ill stay still for a few seconds too long or think about something to deep by accident and then its too late....im gone....i feel the weakness i have inside it takes over and covers me like a bed quilt made of stone...i cant get over the feeling i have inside i feel when my stomachs empty and i feel light and compareing it to the feeling i have when i eat.....its so much effort..... i hate it i get so angry....scarily angry sometimes....
Theres one person at the mo who is there and im scared also that im not going to be able to give them the results that we are going to work with....I hate negative attention......im scared easy........thats the whole scary part i tried to see a few months ago if i was doing it for some form of attention and no i did whateva i could to keep it secret.....and i no everything that could happen to me.....why hasnt it scared me......basicly im on the verge of happines and self destruction and the feelings i have now is i dont care which one i fall upon, im not sure where i going...
Plus the person who knows about my food problems isnt who i origanally thought...his whole personality and evrything has been lies i feel...Ive been told things that arent nice about this person and although they are nice to me im worried that the only reason he is helping me is to get something in return and i cant handle that i know i wouldnt be able to handle that
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1 comment:
i know how you mean with how people change, its awful how u think of one person been geuine then to find out they are anything but that xx
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